Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bravery can take many forms standing up for your beliefs, facing your greatest fear, putting your life on the line for a friend. But in your case its definitely that haircut.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Once in a while you have a great idea and this week it requires an army uniform, a bulldozer and George Galloways address.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Very few people scroll all the way down to the bottom of the Daily Mail website so youre surprised to find it contains a large disclaimer saying: Obviously everything above is pure horseshit.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Although the trailer for the new Total Recall says it contains one use of strong language, you reckon you could probably manage about three dozen in the first half hour.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Maybe Tinie Tempah wouldnt have got as far with his original stage name but Narky Bastard does have a certain ring to it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved the Sylvester The Cat cartoons and as a result, you only buy succotash that has been organically raised and humanely harvested.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Selling your car? Take the advice from a friend in the motor trade and first get rid of the body in the boot.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Question if you have 22 episodes of Magnum PI to watch and youve got through 7 of them, what proportion have you watched?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Utilise your years of experience, read up on the latest market trends, share best practice with colleagues across the industry and by god, that job scraping puke out of those nightclub urinals will be yours.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Its often comforting to think that in 100 years’ time none of this will matter, but in your case we could replace years with seconds.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Best before dates on food can safely be ignored if theyre a little over, but possibly not if theyre more than a couple of monarchs ago.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL
Lets pretend for a second I care. In fact, lets pretend for the next eight years Im actually listening and havent buggered off down the pub.