Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bravery can take many forms – standing up for your beliefs, facing your greatest fear, putting your life on the line for a friend. But in your case it’s definitely that haircut.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Once in a while you have a great idea and this week it requires an army uniform, a bulldozer and George Galloway’s address.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Very few people scroll all the way down to the bottom of the Daily Mail website so you’re surprised to find it contains a large disclaimer saying: “Obviously everything above is pure horseshit”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Although the trailer for the new Total Recall says it contains ‘one use of strong language’, you reckon you could probably manage about three dozen in the first half hour.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Maybe Tinie Tempah wouldn’t have got as far with his original stage name but ‘Narky Bastard’ does have a certain ring to it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved the Sylvester The Cat cartoons and as a result, you only buy succotash that has been organically raised and humanely harvested.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Selling your car? Take the advice from a friend in the motor trade and first get rid of the body in the boot.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Question – if you have 22 episodes of Magnum PI to watch and you’ve got through 7 of them, what proportion have you watched?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Utilise your years of experience, read up on the latest market trends, share best practice with colleagues across the industry and by god, that job scraping puke out of those nightclub urinals will be yours.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s often comforting to think that ‘in 100 years’ time none of this will matter’, but in your case we could replace ‘years’ with ‘seconds’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
‘Best before’ dates on food can safely be ignored if they’re a little over, but possibly not if they’re more than a couple of monarchs ago.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL
Let’s pretend for a second I care. In fact, let’s pretend for the next eight years I’m actually listening and haven’t buggered off down the pub.



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Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

The move follows confusion among viewers who have spent three weeks believing Mo Farah was the greatest hero of the 21st century, only to be confronted by the amazingly inspirational qualities of Paralympian athletes.

Minister for Sport Hugh Robinson said: “Our new easy-to-read chart will show everyone exactly which role models to be most disappointed by when they’re caught snorting cocaine by a Sunday newspaper.

“Obviously top of the league are Paralympians, who are more heroic than a thousand Winston Churchills and make Jessica Ennis and her ilk look like endorsement-hungry glory whores.

“Whether they’re competing, buying washing up liquid from Londis or simply eating their tea, everything the Paralympians do is an incredible triumph of the will.

“Next are the Olympians, who taught us all what true heroism was this summer – and apparently it’s excelling at an obscure physical discipline while not being paid much.

“Below that we have people in sports like rugby, tennis or golf, who it’s true sometimes do earn a bit but can occasionally inspire us with their selfless dedication provided their events take place in Britain and are shown on the telly.

“And finally, bottom of the list are the collected rapists, racists, and tweeters of Premier League football, who are most frequently seen outside burning homes throwing fistfuls of £20s onto the flames and laughing at the screams of those trapped inside.”

England players will be granted biannual hate amnesties for World Cups and European Championships, following which they will resume their positions as the worst people ever to have lived.

When asked where soldiers serving in Afghanistan ranked on the chart, the minister pointed vaguely near the top, coughed, excused himself and fired a special advisor.