Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) This week you open a pub called The Westminster Bubble to confuse politicians trying to prove how down-to-earth they are.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Sing like nobody’s listening. If you’re struggling to imagine what that’s like, Google ‘Steve Brookstein’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) On Friday, you’re a couple of minutes into punching the waiter and calling him a cheeky twat when you realise he didn’t say “I’ll get you, you’re smellier”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Today, why not try to convince your workmate that in Star Wars, Count Dooku has a puzzle-writing sister called Sue?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Disappointing news on Tuesday about Dismaland tickets when it turns out you managed to get some.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Scenes at your local pizza place on Saturday as they insist ‘a large cod & chips’ isn’t a valid extra topping.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) You’d never be seen dead using girly products like moisturiser, which is probably why you look like one of Sid James’ bollocks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don’t own a cat and it’s a puma.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Embarrassment today when you accidentally ‘like’ a photo of your boyfriend’s brother on Facebook but you style it out by saying you just thought he’d dressed really smartly for that funeral.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your end-of-probation review at work goes badly this week when your line manager says she’d assumed you’d left six months ago.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) On Monday you try to get out of jury duty by saying you’re a lazy, reactionary racist with a tendency to fall asleep on benches and you accidentally end up in the House of Lords.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) All of our products are vegan, except for the ones with bits of animal in them.

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Sexual tension between male cyclists and taxi drivers reaching unbearable levels

TAXI drivers and men on bikes are almost at the point where they will stop disguising their lust as loathing.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies said that the two outwardly-hostile groups are almost ready to start frantically pawing at each others’ bodies while kissing.

Taxi driver Tom Booker said: “Obviously when I’m shouting ‘get a fucking move on you goggle-eyed twat’ what I actually mean is ‘you have great thighs and I want to take you to a fish restaurant’.”

Cyclist Wayne Hayes said: “Last week I called a taxi driver a ‘bald bastard’ after he cut me up.

“But I love shaven-headed working class men, it’s the Jason Statham thing. Especially so if they’re in a big, powerful car just ready to dominate me on my little bike.

“My fantasy is lying on my bed with a generic taxi driver, we’re in our pants embracing and we listen to Sam Smith’s album in its entirety without moving.

“Yes, he’s married to a woman and has three kids all called Terry, but that just excites me even more.”

Experts predict that the passionate mass make-out session between cyclists and cabbies will occur on September 3 at 9.23am, just after they have told each other to fuck off and die.