Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Due to 40 per cent budget cuts at the Ministry of Astrology, your star sign has been merged with Sagittarius. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This weekend you’ll name your hangover bowel movement ‘Kill Bill’ as it’ll take so long you need to split it into two sittings.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a parent, all you’ve ever wanted for your kids is to have the opportunities you didn’t, such as the opportunity to say ‘my father is an alcoholic shoplifter’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your aura takes on a vibrant vermillion hue today, indicating the comets that recently entered your sign have turned you into a Communist.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You get all your Christmas shopping done early on Monday as your dealer has a batch going cheap to help pay off some loan sharks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Everyone leaves a 007 film pretending to be hard and you’re no different this week as you walk out of the cinema and punch yourself in the gents.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
When life gives you lemons, squeeze lemon juice into your eyes while wailing “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, LIFE! YOU DID THIS!”

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Instead of the stars you turn to reading the future in cow’s entrails. The week ahead has a lot of grass in store.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday, you find your Freedom of Information request for the length and girth of George Osborne’s penis has been turned down. So tiny, then. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No news from your bank about the loan to start a business selling cheap Dr Who hats called Capaldi.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nobody believes your claim that you’re headlining next year’s Glastonbury hitting pots and pans with a rolling pin, but it will be months before they can definitively say it is untrue. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class. 

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Waiter who looks like Alex James 'not getting a tip'

A MAN decided not to tip a waiter purely because he looks like Blurbassist Alex James, it has emerged.

Tom Logan and his friend Norman Steele were served by Julian Cook in the Ciao! Italian restaurant in Peterborough.

Although the waiter was polite and attentive without being obtrusive, Logan decided that Cook’s resemblance to Alex James was sufficient reason to not leave a tip.

Logan said: “I know it wasn’t him and I like Blur too but something just stopped me.

“He’s probably just some student who’s probably living off his tips but he was the absolute image of Alex James. So, he must have been a knobhead to some degree.’”

Julian Cook added, “It happens all the time. The only way I’m ever getting a tip is if Alex James comes in here.”