Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Due to 40 per cent budget cuts at the Ministry of Astrology, your star sign has been merged with Sagittarius.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This weekend you’ll name your hangover bowel movement ‘Kill Bill’ as it’ll take so long you need to split it into two sittings.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a parent, all you’ve ever wanted for your kids is to have the opportunities you didn’t, such as the opportunity to say my father is an alcoholic shoplifter.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your aura takes on a vibrant vermillion hue today, indicating the comets that recently entered your sign have turned you into a Communist.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You get all your Christmas shopping done early on Monday as your dealer has a batch going cheap to help pay off some loan sharks.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Everyone leaves a 007 film pretending to be hard and you’re no different this week as you walk out of the cinema and punch yourself in the gents.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
When life gives you lemons, squeeze lemon juice into your eyes while wailing “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, LIFE! YOU DID THIS!”
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Instead of the stars you turn to reading the future in cow’s entrails. The week ahead has a lot of grass in store.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday, you find your Freedom of Information request for the length and girth of George Osborne’s penis has been turned down. So tiny, then.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No news from your bank about the loan to start a business selling cheap Dr Who hats called Capaldi.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nobody believes your claim that you’re headlining next year’s Glastonbury hitting pots and pans with a rolling pin, but it will be months before they can definitively say it is untrue.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class.