Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Playing Nick Drake youre struck by the fragility of the lyrics, the haunting beauty of the music and how little work you get DJing 16th birthday parties.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Still no word from the BBC on your nature series pitch, ‘Swimming with Shopping Trolleys’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Its a shame that the moment you decide to stand up and deal with something like a man it results in you being thrown off the womens athletics team.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Time is not on your side. And looking at your arse, other physics things that arent on your side include mass and gravity.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Right now you feel like you could take on the world, which still doesnt excuse your attempted one-man invasion of Poland.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The moon moves much closer to your sign this week, to the point it has to take a step backwards and ask the moon what the fuck its problem is.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youre really close to your ideal weight so whatever it is youre doing stick with it. Really? Glue-sniffing?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The A&E fly on the wall documentary youre producing is a little short on incident so you mix ketchup with KY and head to the toilet to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I knew you were coming Id have baked a cake. Because youre diabetic.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
The recent warm weather has promised an Indian summer and that is certainly true in your case as this Friday you die of dysentery in an open sewer.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never forgot that great teacher as a teenager and you hoped to become somebody equally inspirational. If only you could stay out of the stationery cupboard.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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