Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Playing Nick Drake you’re struck by the fragility of the lyrics, the haunting beauty of the music and how little work you get DJing 16th birthday parties.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Still no word from the BBC on your nature series pitch, ‘Swimming with Shopping Trolleys’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s a shame that the moment you decide to stand up and deal with something like a man it results in you being thrown off the women’s athletics team.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Time is not on your side. And looking at your arse, other physics things that aren’t on your side include ‘mass’ and ‘gravity’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Right now you feel like you could take on the world, which still doesn’t excuse your attempted one-man invasion of Poland.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The moon moves much closer to your sign this week, to the point it has to take a step backwards and ask the moon what the fuck its problem is.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re really close to your ideal weight so whatever it is you’re doing stick with it. Really? Glue-sniffing?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The A&E fly on the wall documentary you’re producing is a little short on incident so you mix ketchup with KY and head to the toilet to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. Because you’re diabetic.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The recent warm weather has promised an Indian summer and that is certainly true in your case as this Friday you die of dysentery in an open sewer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never forgot that great teacher as a teenager and you hoped to become somebody equally inspirational. If only you could stay out of the stationery cupboard.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Man-o-war 'uses tentacles for sleazy groping'

MEN-O-WAR sting swimmers then feel them up with their tentacles, it has been claimed.

As legions of the jellyfish-like organisms head for British shores, scientists have warned that they are essentially perverts.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The man-o-war carries a powerful sting that debilitates and panics its victim. Then while they’re thrashing around, it goes for tit.

“Because they’re in such pain, the victim doesn’t even notice they’re being fondled.”

Research by the Institute for Studies found that the creatures’ victims were predominantly attractive, buxom females, begging the question of why men-o-war developed those creepy-looking tentacles.

Professor Brubaker said: “These things are floating scuzzbags whose sole agenda is to cop a feel, the dirty siphonophore devils. They should be ashamed of themselves.”

However man-o-war Bill McKay said: “I’m predominantly a gas-filled bladder and a lot of women find that very attractive.

“Sometimes one thing leads to another, we’re all free creatures in the ocean after all. I’m not here to take advantage of anyone.

“I’m just a very sensual marine cnidarian. Not a jellyfish though, I’d like to stress that as it’s a common misconception.”