Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sure, those library sales are a real bargain, but even if it was only 10p its hard to say what use youll get out of that weird old bloke who reads all the newspapers.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
This weekend you join in with people mockingly asking where their hoverboards and jetpacks are here in the future, while inwardly weeping for your promised sexbot.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A tough week ahead as you arrive in Burkina Faso to find that it doesnt mean No worries, and is in fact still recovering from last years military coup.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Youre sick of being a crab with an unpleasant name. Why isnt there a bear star sign if theres a bear constellation? Thats it, you’re Ursa Major from now on.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Nothing from Channel 5 about your quiz based on Tom Cruise film characters, even though it features a ‘Reacher Round’.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tomorrow you will chair a meeting of Cobra to decide what lager you will get shitfaced on, with predictable results.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a Libra, the most balanced of all signs, you’ve realised that arguing with people on the internet is like wrestling a pig. Sexy.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You pride yourself on being a hipster due to the length of your beard, but the fact it’s 65 per cent pie crumbs means you’re more likely to be a Northerner.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your plan to eat healthier by having cereal for breakfast fails when you realise most carbohydrates are more complex than you are.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You finally admit you’re middle class when you sing along to Velvet Underground’s Waiting For The Man and think about your wild mushroom supplier.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Next week you will pre-order the new iPhone. Repeat this horoscope every 12 months until you die.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday you rush to see Batman vs Superman, not because you like either of the title characters but because its got five minutes of Aquaman in and you love Aquaman because he can talk to fish and thats the superpower youd have if you could have a superpower. Nobody sits next to you at the cinema.