Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sure, those library sales are a real bargain, but even if it was only 10p it’s hard to say what use you’ll get out of that weird old bloke who reads all the newspapers.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
This weekend you join in with people mockingly asking where their hoverboards and jetpacks are here in the future, while inwardly weeping for your promised sexbot.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A tough week ahead as you arrive in Burkina Faso to find that it doesn’t mean ‘No worries’, and is in fact still recovering from last year’s military coup. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re sick of being a crab with an unpleasant name. Why isn’t there a bear star sign if there’s a bear constellation? That’s it, you’re Ursa Major from now on. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Nothing from Channel 5 about your quiz based on Tom Cruise film characters, even though it features a ‘Reacher Round’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tomorrow you will chair a meeting of Cobra to decide what lager you will get shitfaced on, with predictable results.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a Libra, the most balanced of all signs, you’ve realised that arguing with people on the internet is like wrestling a pig. Sexy.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You pride yourself on being a hipster due to the length of your beard, but the fact it’s 65 per cent pie crumbs means you’re more likely to be a Northerner.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your plan to eat healthier by having cereal for breakfast fails when you realise most carbohydrates are more complex than you are.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You finally admit you’re middle class when you sing along to Velvet Underground’s Waiting For The Man and think about your wild mushroom supplier.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Next week you will pre-order the new iPhone. Repeat this horoscope every 12 months until you die.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday you rush to see Batman vs Superman, not because you like either of the title characters but because it’s got five minutes of Aquaman in and you love Aquaman because he can talk to fish and that’s the superpower you’d have if you could have a superpower. Nobody sits next to you at the cinema. 

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Girlfriends demand more spots to squeeze

BRITAIN’S girlfriends are demanding that their partners get more spots and then allow them to squeeze them.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 98 per cent of women enjoy fiddling with their partner’s spots, although they cannot explain why. By comparison, only 0.2 per cent of men would consider touching a girlfriend’s pimples.

34-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I have an IQ of 149, I’m a heart surgeon at the Peterborough Royal Infirmary and I’m a member of the Royal Opera society.

“But if I’m being honest, my favourite past time is popping my partner’s spots, whenever he has them. The bigger the better.”

Bradford was keen to point out that it was only her boyfriend’s spots who she was interested in popping: “I wouldn’t burst just anyone’s spots. For example it is was some random guy who worked in a burger van and wanted his back de-spotting, I wouldn’t be into that.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You could argue there was something sexual or even sado-masochistic about it, or that it’s some instinctive throwback to Neanderthal grooming rituals.

“But it isn’t those things. It’s just weird.”