New iPhone is shy and hides from you


THE NEW, tiny iPhone is naturally shy and avoids any contact with its owner, Apple has revealed. 

The iPhone SE, which is so small it can slip between your fingers, will hide behind furniture, under cushions and haunt its owners with the distant sound of ringing.

Apple CEO Tim Cook said: “From the moment you open the box and it skittishly flees under the sofa, you’ll only ever catch a glimpse of the iPhone SE.

“It will peep from you around corners. You’ll wake suddenly in the night, a warm spot on your pillow where it was watching you until a second ago.

“Sometimes you’ll see it in your peripheral vision, close enough to touch, but when you look it’s gone as if it were never there at all.”

Susan Traherne of King’s Lynn said: “Why would I want something that, while admittedly cute, refuses ever to be touched, and just sucks up money?

“I’m a cat owner, if that answers your question.”

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Massive argument somehow fails to clear the air

A COUPLE are inexplicably still on bad terms despite having just had a massive row.

Nikki Hollis lost it at boyfriend Wayne Hayes after ongoing selfish behaviour culminated in him pretending to be ‘working late’ while actually in the pub.

She said: “It’s well established that the best way to ‘get things out in the open’ and begin the healing process is to have a massive argument with lots of swearing. So I went to the pub and called Wayne a ‘weasel-faced manchild fuckwit’ in front of his mates.

“He responded by calling me ‘Robocop’ which frankly I thought was weak but still annoying.”

The argument continued for 28 minutes, taking in both of their character flaws and physical imperfections like having a big arse or a puny chest.

Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve seen a lot of films so I know that after a big argument you either embrace and swearing undying love or simply have amazing sex.

“But it just sort of petered out, I got out my laptop and started looking at random things on eBay and Nikki went in the other room to read her book in a moody way.

“I don’t understand how it hasn’t made things better, so I’ve ordered a book off Amazon called How to Have Better Massive Arguments.”