Sports Direct considering having a sale

SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has admitted that he may be forced to discount prices in his stores for the first time. 

The high-fashion retailer, where British Knights trainers sell to an exclusive clientele at around £1,200 a pair, has been forced to desperate measures by a slump in its share price.

Mike Ashley said: “I never thought I’d say this, but Sports Direct is having a sale.

“Yes, we run the risk of damaging our high-end brand, compared to Prada or Hermes, and losing our status as a destination retail experience, but we need cash.

“I’m hoping the pre-opera crowd will find the yellow signs in our windows hilariously ironic, like an art installation, and not notice that Lonsdale hoodies are only £11.49.”

Ashley has indicated that the sale will last for somewhere between six weeks and 12 years, with items reduced by a mere 95 to 98 percent.

Wayne Hayes said: “Finally I might be able to buy from Sports Direct instead of just peering through the windows and dreaming.

“Maybe one of their signature mugs, like Karl Lagerfeld drinks from.

“Ah, who am I kidding. Their snooty, elitist staff will spot me the minute I’m through the door.”

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Everyone urged to wait before expressing opinion about horrible event

EVERYONE has been urged to just stop and think about what they are going to say.

Experts stressed that right now there is nothing to be gained from blaming an entire religion for an atrocity or accusing people of being racists or appeasers.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Right now, all we know for sure is that no-one has faintest idea what to do.

“It is just fucked up and horrible.”

He added: “I know you’re just desperate to say something really emotive and accusatory and maybe even connect it to some other issue. But honestly, just don’t.

“Maybe – this time – we could all just stop for a bit. Who knows, we might even learn something?”