Chutney went straight in bin, Queen confirms

A CHRISTMAS gift of homemade chutney from the Duchess of Cambridge was treated with the contempt it deserved, says the Queen. 

The present, which Her Majesty described as being among the most insulting that she had ever received, was briefly displayed on the dining table to ‘shut thingy up’ before being thrown away unopened. 

The Queen said: “I could be an 89-year-old with a one-bar fire in sheltered housing and that would still be head-and-shoulders the worst present I received that year. 

“What about a nice book? Or one of those personalised calendars with the great-grandkids on? 

“Nobody likes chutney. Andrew gets me better presents than this, and he’s a selfish prick.”

The Duchess of Cambridge said: “Next year it’s homemade soap full of leaves and pine cones and other stuff I’ve picked up off the ground.

“It’s what upper class people like.”

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Corbyn turns down free pot of gold

JEREMY Corbyn ignored a leprechaun’s offer of a huge amount of free gold, it has emerged.

The Labour leader, who did not even mention Iain Duncan Smith when facing off against the prime minister, was cycling home yesterday when a tiny green-clad man offered him untold riches for free.

Leprechaun Tom Booker said: “I was exhausted from carrying this heavy pot of solid gold coins around, and frankly I just decided it would be better to give it to the next stranger to cross my path.

“I said ‘Ho, stranger! How about a load of free gold!’ to this bearded gent. I even explained that it was ethically-mined fairy gold and that frankly he’d be doing me a favour by relieving me of a heavy burden.

“He just coughed and muttered something about having to get home to watch a television programme about canal boats.

“Strange man.”