Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Monday you learn the difference between ‘minor act of rebellion’ and ‘sackable offence’ when you stop stealing Post It Notes and start stealing post.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Money, work and sex all feature heavily in your sign this week, so this might be the perfect time to become a prostitute.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will be pondering the various arguments in the EU referendum before deciding you’ll vote for the side with the least amount of creepy, weird bastards.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always been proud of being prepared to say things others haven’t got the guts to say, as well as not knowing the difference between ‘guts’ and ‘common decency’. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Those Sky Q adverts are great, really eye-catching and memorable. You’re definitely going to get Sky Q the minute they explain what the fuck it is. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes, type 3 to speak to a customer service advisor.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pisces tend to like eating fish, and Taurus beef. As a Libra, your preferred dish is JUSTICE.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just your luck to sit next to a really rude couple in a restaurant this Friday. If they’re not calling you weird for eating pizza with a knife and fork they’re telling you to order your own.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Surprisingly, your exhortation to ‘Make the pornography you want to see in the world’ hasn’t gone viral on Facebook. Maybe if you superimpose it over a sunset?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bad romantic news on Saturday, when you ask a guy in a nightclub if he hurt himself when he fell down from heaven and it turns out to be Lucifer, who answers yes then takes you back to his place. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As Aquarius is the water-carrier, it’s no surprise you’re always carrying water. Well, vodka in an Evian bottle, but nobody can tell. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Trouble at work on Monday when your boss gently explains that ‘punching the clock’ is a euphemism and presents you with a sizeable repair bill. 

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Man searching for emoji to convey existential despair

A MAN is having problems expressing his sense that life is an empty shout in a meaningless, howling void using only emojis. 

33-year-old Tom Logan has searched everything available on WhatsApp and concluded that he really needs something halfway between the frowning face and the crying face, but with more of a thousand-yard stare.

He said: “As impossible as it sounds, I may be experiencing an emotion that has no emoji.

“I was hoping for a man pondering his own insignificance and the ultimate futility of all human endeavour, which is both euphoric and a rending of the soul, but nothing quite fits the bill.

“The whole thing has left me feeling like shit, which thankfully there is an emoji for.”

Logan added: “Really, I just want to express that I am a hollow tool of capital whose every emotion is a manufactured sham but deep inside is eternally screaming.

“Didn’t Kim Kardashian release some emojis? I bet she’s got just the thing.”