Mums vow to keep you updated on people you barely knew at school

MUMS have renewed their pledge to keep phoning with news about people you didn’t really know at school.

Middle-aged mothers said they would continue to share information with each other in shops, so that you could hear how someone called Dean Burnett, who was in the year below you two decades ago, has just bought a house in Leeds.

Mum Emma Bradford said: “I bumped into the mother of a lad who was two years older than my son Ross at primary school. He’d just had a baby with a woman he met in the lorry parts factory where they both work, so naturally I was straight on the phone.

“Ross was obviously really interested because he kept asking questions like ‘Simon who?’ and ‘Was he the one with glasses?’

“It’s so easy to lose touch with someone who might have sat near you during science lessons in 1989.”

Accountant Nikki Hollis said: “Mum made me rack my brains remembering a boy from school just so she could share the news that he’s an optician.

“However I’m drawing a complete blank on ‘Joanna Hingley’, although I do know she’s been having terrible problems with her combination boiler. Anyway I now have her phone number, in case we ever want to go for a drink.”

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Evil woodland folk demand return of Gove

IT IS time for changeling Michael Gove to return to his own kind, according to malevolent woodland sprites.

After being substituted for a human baby many years ago, the creature calling itself Gove must now stop causing mischief in our world and return to the forest.

King of the tree sprites Tom Logan said: “It’s amazing Gove has passed as human for so long, it’s over 5000 years now since he was first hatched from a small green egg.

“He’s only amongst humans because a woodcutter pissed us off by chopping down a magic yew tree and we stole his baby, but the curse has expired now so we want Gove back on sprite duty molesting unwary travellers.

“I’m quite impressed with all the trouble he’s caused though, so I might see if he can get the flower fairies to start a pointless campaign to leave the forest.”

Gove, real name Crikkety Wikkety, said: “I’d love to stay meddling in human affairs, but I should really get back to luring people off the path and deep into the woods where the witches can get them.

“It’s going to be awkward telling my wife I’m an evil wood sprite, but I think she already has her suspicions due to certain root-like parts of my anatomy.”