Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Great news on the financial front this weekend, when you get your identity stolen by someone who spends far less on high-end electronic items than you spend in one night on the piss. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A change of career looms when you set up a new version of Relate, but for superheroes to talk through their conflicts instead of destructively acting them out. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s a shame when all the Play-Doh colours get mixed together and just come out brown. When will you learn not to eat them? 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Britney Spears has a Las Vegas residency earning her $35 million a year, but you’ve been living in the men’s toilets at the Armenian Library rent-free for the last three weeks, so who’s the real winner? 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Every dog has his day, and it’s your dog’s day this Thursday. Get his his robe and crown. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on the health front on Friday, when you happen to glance at an opinion piece by Piers Morgan and instantly burn out your retinas, poison your heart and condemn your immortal soul to hell. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This horoscope has been removed following complaints that it contained spoilers.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a really patronising, sexist bloke your favourite film has always been Love, Actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve had to do a bit of tinkering to balance your household budget recently but you’ve finally managed to perfect making your own gin from hand sanitiser stolen from your GP’s reception.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s been an emotional time for you recently, so when your favourite sex toy gives up the ghost on Saturday, try to stay strong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Expect controversy this week when you describe your friend’s chunky new baby as ‘a proper fanny buster’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The mystic forces align on Monday to ensure that you wind up biting your tongue really hard while eating chips, because they have nothing better to do, apparently.

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Top level hipsters meet to discuss gammon

LEADING hipsters have met in a craft ale pub to discuss whether gammon should be the next food trend.

Four influential leaders of today’s consumerist, irony-fuelled youth culture gathered in craft ale bar Hops23 to consider killing off the gourmet burger in favour of slabs of cured pork leg served with chips and Birdseye peas.

24-year-old alpha hipster Julian ‘Cookie’ Cook said: “Gammon’s time has come. Big, thick slices of gammon with pineapple on top, like they used to have in the 90s in these places called, weirdly, Beefeater.

“It’s the Commodore 64 of meats and the masses are going to shit bricks over it. I’m hashtag excited.”

However senior hipster Joanna Kramer said: “I’m worried that people don’t currently hate gammon enough for us to bring it back in an ironic bullshit way.

“What about fondue? Have we done fondue?”

Cook replied: “Yeah we did fondue.”

Following the meeting, it was confirmed that minimalist gammon restaurant Gam Gam will open in Peckham this weekend, with DJs playing pork-themed records.