Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Great news on the financial front this weekend, when you get your identity stolen by someone who spends far less on high-end electronic items than you spend in one night on the piss.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
A change of career looms when you set up a new version of Relate, but for superheroes to talk through their conflicts instead of destructively acting them out.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s a shame when all the Play-Doh colours get mixed together and just come out brown. When will you learn not to eat them?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Britney Spears has a Las Vegas residency earning her $35 million a year, but you’ve been living in the men’s toilets at the Armenian Library rent-free for the last three weeks, so who’s the real winner?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Every dog has his day, and it’s your dog’s day this Thursday. Get his his robe and crown.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on the health front on Friday, when you happen to glance at an opinion piece by Piers Morgan and instantly burn out your retinas, poison your heart and condemn your immortal soul to hell.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This horoscope has been removed following complaints that it contained spoilers.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a really patronising, sexist bloke your favourite film has always been Love, Actually.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve had to do a bit of tinkering to balance your household budget recently but you’ve finally managed to perfect making your own gin from hand sanitiser stolen from your GP’s reception.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s been an emotional time for you recently, so when your favourite sex toy gives up the ghost on Saturday, try to stay strong.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Expect controversy this week when you describe your friend’s chunky new baby as ‘a proper fanny buster’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The mystic forces align on Monday to ensure that you wind up biting your tongue really hard while eating chips, because they have nothing better to do, apparently.