Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Did you know, your star sign is also a variety of potato! So if you wouldn’t mind checking. Because you look a bit. Yeah. Yeah, thought so. You don’t need a horoscope. Because you’re a potato. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After spending months amassing evidence, rehearsing your arguments and proving once and for all it’s an invented nonsense to control people’s behaviour, you discover brunch isn’t a religious festival after all.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Sunday, you finally prove that there is a shadowy conspiracy controlling literally everything that takes place in Lancashire. Hiding in plain sight all these years, the Blackpool Illuminati. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Most people envy babies for their innocent wonder at the world and their capacity for unconditional love but for you, the fact they can shit anywhere they want is the clincher.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve already put a reminder in your diary not to go on Twitter on July 7th as it’ll be full of Chilcot Enquiry spoilers about whether Blair did it or not.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your yoga teacher tells you this week your flexibility has come on in leaps and bounds but reminds you that it’s weird to clean yourself like that unless you’re a cat.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A bad day at work today but at least you only caused a massive diplomatic incident with one country, so there are people out there who had it worse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sunsets really are so beautiful, aren’t they? Much better than sunrises, which happen far too early to get drunk to. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Capricorn? You thought you were Capricorn? No, it’s Capri-Sun. You know, like the bagged drink. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your maternal instinct comes to the fore on Friday as you find an injured baby lamb in a nearby field and take it home to feed your kids with.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A personal victory at being voted of head of your local neighbourhood watch is marred by the fact you live in a lighthouse eight miles from the nearest village.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
When your brother said he’d like to be remembered and studied by future generations, he probably wasn’t hinting for you to push him into a tar pit. 

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Woman ditches ‘summer body’ in favour of things that are not bollocks

A WOMAN has given up her bid to look good on a one-week holiday in favour of a summer full of drink and bacon, it has emerged.

Donna Sheridan, a teacher from Cheltenham, embarked on a diet that guaranteed a ‘fit and firm summer body’ within three months, but abandoned it after realising it was utter bollocks.

Sheridan, 33, said: “Every magazine implied that if I didn’t have a ‘summer body’ on holiday people would react like I was a wild boar in a bikini.

“The diet plan I chose said I should cut out everything that is a pleasure to eat, not drink alcohol and do excessive amounts of painful exercise.

“However, after three days I realised I was missing out on the bits of life that I really enjoyed and quickly cracked into a litre of cider and quite a lot of sausages.

“The only good thing about the plan was that it said it would help me to relax and clear my mind, but my boyfriend pointed out that you can achieve that just as easily by getting hammered and falling asleep in the sun.”