Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Did you know, your star sign is also a variety of potato! So if you wouldnt mind checking. Because you look a bit. Yeah. Yeah, thought so. You dont need a horoscope. Because youre a potato.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After spending months amassing evidence, rehearsing your arguments and proving once and for all its an invented nonsense to control peoples behaviour, you discover brunch isnt a religious festival after all.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Sunday, you finally prove that there is a shadowy conspiracy controlling literally everything that takes place in Lancashire. Hiding in plain sight all these years, the Blackpool Illuminati.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Most people envy babies for their innocent wonder at the world and their capacity for unconditional love but for you, the fact they can shit anywhere they want is the clincher.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve already put a reminder in your diary not to go on Twitter on July 7th as it’ll be full of Chilcot Enquiry spoilers about whether Blair did it or not.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your yoga teacher tells you this week your flexibility has come on in leaps and bounds but reminds you that it’s weird to clean yourself like that unless you’re a cat.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A bad day at work today but at least you only caused a massive diplomatic incident with one country, so there are people out there who had it worse.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sunsets really are so beautiful, arent they? Much better than sunrises, which happen far too early to get drunk to.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Capricorn? You thought you were Capricorn? No, its Capri-Sun. You know, like the bagged drink.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your maternal instinct comes to the fore on Friday as you find an injured baby lamb in a nearby field and take it home to feed your kids with.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A personal victory at being voted of head of your local neighbourhood watch is marred by the fact you live in a lighthouse eight miles from the nearest village.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
When your brother said hed like to be remembered and studied by future generations, he probably wasnt hinting for you to push him into a tar pit.