Breakfast actually third most important meal of the day

BREAKFAST is the least important meal of the day, it has been confirmed.

The morning meal has enjoyed artificially elevated status due to efficient PR spin, but can be easily skipped because it is largely pointless.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The most important meals of the day are, funnily enough, lunch and dinner. You know, actual meals

“Not a piece of hot bread or some bits of wheat with milk inexplicably poured onto them.”

Until the early 1990s, breakfast was widely accepted to be just something to do while reading the paper in the morning.

It was considered inferior to elevenses, a mid-afternoon snack and a midnight feast, which prompted a radical re-think of its marketing strategy.

PR executive Julian Cook said: “My company came up with the slogan: ‘the most important meal of the day’ but it was based on absolutely no solid facts, so we never thought anyone would buy it.

“We were staggered when people started parroting the phrase idiotically as if it were some kind of divine wisdom. It’s a piece of toast, for fuck’s sake.”

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Corsodyl advert shows woman being murdered by her own teeth

THE makers of Corsodyl mouthwash have defended a new advert in which a woman’s teeth come to life and murder her.

The TV advert has been criticised for depicting a woman’s teeth becoming sentient, escaping from her mouth and killing her because she does not use mouthwash.

A GlaxoSmithKline spokesman said: “Evil teeth plotting to kill you horrifically is simply a way of highlighting the problem of gum disease.

“We’re not trying to scare anyone, just present a hypothetical situation in which teeth work themselves out of your jaw during the night and try to slit your throat with a carving knife.

“Or put shards of glass in your breakfast cereal, leave a rusty bear trap in the shower and rig up an elaborate contraption to decapitate you with an angle grinder.

“As far as we know there are no actual cases of people being murdered by their teeth, but you can’t be too careful when it comes to oral hygiene.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “The bit where the teeth are chanting ‘Die! Die! Die!’ in their high-pitched demonic voices certainly reminded me to buy some mouthwash.

“No one wants their teeth to fall out, but you definitely don’t want your severed head bouncing down the stairs in slow motion.”