They're fantastically corrupt, says president of Nigeria

THE presidents of Nigeria and Afghanistan have been overheard discussing how the British government is ‘fantastically corrupt’.

During a conversation at a Buckingham Palace drinks reception Muhammadu Buhari, the president of Nigeria, said: “He likes to have sex with dead animals and his father had a tax haven in Panama.

“Just imagine the shit he’ll let us get away with if we play ball.”

Ashraf Ghani, the president of Afghanistan said: “I’ve heard this Queen collects diamonds and gold whilst the people of the country are people using food banks.

“She sits on a throne with a crown on her head and has the balls to tell poor people to tighten their belts!

“They even found a way of taxing people for having empty space in their houses.

“So, we’d best be careful dealing with these lot. They sound like right slippery bastards.”

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Iain Duncan Smith gives speech by headbutting podium in Morse code

IAIN Duncan Smith has delivered a major speech on Europe by repeatedly headbutting a wooden podium. 

The senior Conservative, who transcended simple speech some months ago, accused Angela Merkel of sabotaging the prime minister’s renegotiations by the medium of his percussive forehead. 

Journalist Eleanor Shaw said: “You almost didn’t need to know Morse to understand him, so eloquent is he at speaking the Glasgow Kiss. 

“Every time he sounded the single-dot E in Merkel it was a blow so savage, so unrestrained that you couldn’t doubt the depth and passion of his feelings on the subject. 

“He went through six podiums and, in an off-the-cuff aside to a journalist, reduced a MacBook Pro to a thickness of 2mm, all without leaving a mark on that impregnable expanse of bone. 

“Finally he’s speaking a language the public can understand. And respect.”