Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not finally ruin the promise of your early directorial career by releasing what appears to be a big-budget remake of Mortal Kombat with the word ‘Bender’ in the title?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your dedication to learning a foreign language pays off as you finally become fluent in jive.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re not wrong, child rearing is incredibly difficult. Best to just
leave it to someone else. Like a big, fancy boarding school or that fat lady from the
council.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. I do, however, need 50p. It’s for a bus, not for drugs. Okay, it is for drugs. Can I have 50p for drugs please?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Please take this as a general notification that I will not be attending
any Facebook event you ever invite me to. Unless you’re up at the front.
In a box.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your call for humans to colonise space as soon as possible
or face extinction goes largely ignored even though you’re the
cleverest person in the world. If only you had great big knockers.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week quit your job with a grand gesture that will make millions of people all over the world write the words ‘you go girl!’ on one of those stupid fucking internet things.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Things are coming to a head with your troublesome work colleague. You
have two choices – either seek mediation and arbitration through the
human resources department or accuse him of fondling your child.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You found paradise in America. You had a good trade, you made a good
living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. So you
didn’t need a friend like me. Now you come and say ‘Bob, give me
justice’. But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship.
You don’t even think to call me ‘Psychic’. Yer an arse.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If it’s still looking like that after a week, I’d wrap it in a blanket and get to the doctors. In the meantime, stop sticking it in your mouth.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week if you are going to be a self-centered, narcissistic
nightmare, try to do it in private rather than during an important trial
at the Hague.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An old acquaintance gets in touch after you parted on bad terms and gives you the chance to show whether you’ve matured in the intervening 20 years. Tell them to go fuck themselves.

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Police Condemned Over Anti-Single Guy Who Lives In His Own Filth Advert

THE Association of Chief Police Officers has been criticised for a radio advert which encouraged neighbours to report single, permanently hungover young men who live knee-deep in their own filth.

The commercial, banned by the Advertising Standards Authority, warned people to be on the look out for men who keep to themselves, use cash instead of cards and always have their curtains closed

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Yeah, that’s a bloke in his mid to late 20s.

“He doesn’t talk to you because he has a bastard hangover and in any case finds you quite stunningly tedious and the last thing he wants to do is waste valuable sofa time by subjecting himself to your twice daily bulletin of dreary gossip and racism.

“Meanwhile he uses cash because he’s always skint – because he’s always in the pub – and therefore has to constantly borrow money from those 20,000 percent interest, payday loan fuckers.

“And he keeps his curtains closed, not because he’s building a bomb, but as a favour to you so that when you walk past his house you don’t have to see him touching himself – or for that matter the piles of moulding detritus that are accumulating in his living room and, sitting in the middle of the coffee table, what may actually be a human turd.

“Let me assure you, when you wake up on the sofa in the middle of the night, in that awful, nauseating limbo between still-drunk and hungover, your toilet may as well be on the dark side of the moon.

“Plus, there’s probably a really bad glare on the telly.”

Professor Brubaker added: “You don’t need to report him to the police, you need to get him a girlfriend.”

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