Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Really drunk, you say? At the New Year’s Eve party you went to? Crikey. You must tell me everything.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week sees you hounding yourself into a nervous breakdown and making insinuating comments about your taste in poetry after you catch sight of yourself in the mirror with slightly messy hair.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. Unless you’re brown, obviously.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With a fitness DVD, a six-pack of Cornish pasties and a box of tissues, your shopping basket is a fascinating tableau of baseless hope and unfulfilled good intentions. Do you have a club card?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This year will be filled with great opportunities for self-advancement, fresh enthusiasm for healthy living and only three months for doing it in a school playground with the business end of a Dyson.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As you are once again overlooked in the Queen’s New Year honours list you begin to wonder whether Play Your Cards Right was actually some kind of communist front organisation in which you were an unwitting imperialist stooge.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No time to lose, there’s only 11 months to get a stupid bastard haircut, a smug expression on your oily fucking dial and a series of blindingly obvious quips for one of those end-of-year review shows.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A grumpy old man with a lonely life of lost love and missed opportunities, you surprise everyone when you unveil an attic full of balloons. Shame they’re all filled with piss.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
With just a few clicks save your spondooliks and you’ll thank your stars that you went to go compare. Enjoy that for the rest of the day, fuckers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you’ve still got your Christmas tree up by now, it either means you’re common as muck or your emaciated corpse is going to be found in the summer after the neighbours notice that your cat is no longer scratching at the inside of the door.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
First impressions are absolutely crucial, which would certainly explain why people hate Jon Culshaw after about four seconds.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week the moon in Jupiter will remind you that just because someone has weird hair, it does not mean they don’t have a libel lawyer who’s an absolute fucking shark.


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Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

EVER seen a happy person get cancer? Exactly. Illness cannot exist in a human that is thinking happy thoughts. It’s important to constantly think positively or you could find yourself with a disease on your hands.

I remember a time when I’d been on a month-long ‘nightlife’ tour of Thailand after several successful companies I had advised used my integrated business process to float on the stock market.

In just three days I’d made over a million dollars and embarked on drenching my soul in the finest malt whiskies and champagne Cognacs. But in my crazy haze I slipped a disc hopping out of a jacuzzi in Koh Samui, meanwhile my haemorrhoids had gotten so bad I couldn’t even sit on a bar stool without the aid of a rubber donut. I had reached a nadir.

I was getting some pretty heavy abuse from the other guys for being a crying pussy man, but through positive thought I banished every bit of anguish from my body simply by imagining how a young Nick Faldo felt after winning the Masters in ’89. The pain, the paranoia and the violent piles vanished almost instantaneously.

But I wouldn’t truly realise the full force of positive thinking until a year later when my latest girlfriend woke up one morning with a growth on her lip. “There’s a bit of chocolate on your lip,” I said. “It’s not chocolate, it’s attached, what is it Morris?” she asked. Naturally she was panicking, but as I looked closer I could see it had hairs coming out of it too. God knows what it was but I immediately demanded: “Are you thinking negatively?” She lowered her eyes and replied: “Yes I am.” “I thought so because it’s getting bigger. It’s literally growing out of your face like an angry hirsute worm that may also be a mole.”

I had to switch her mind to something positive so I told her there was a good chance that this relationship could go to the next level and 10 minutes later it dropped off. I put it in a Ziplock bag and tossed it out of my car window somewhere on the A12.

So remember: negative thoughts are not only as powerful as positive ones they are in fact the cause of despair, all unsuccessful advances of the sexual nature and even sub-standard bunker shots.

I want you to stop thinking about anything negative, you must run up to the next person you see shouting: “I only think happy thoughts!” and then watch in quiet satisfaction as your unsightly moles fly onto their sad, un-Faldo-like faces.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want You To Buy This Book Because You Could Get Richer Than Me