Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Really drunk, you say? At the New Year’s Eve party you went to? Crikey. You must tell me everything.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week sees you hounding yourself into a nervous breakdown and making insinuating comments about your taste in poetry after you catch sight of yourself in the mirror with slightly messy hair.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. Unless you’re brown, obviously.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With a fitness DVD, a six-pack of Cornish pasties and a box of tissues, your shopping basket is a fascinating tableau of baseless hope and unfulfilled good intentions. Do you have a club card?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This year will be filled with great opportunities for self-advancement, fresh enthusiasm for healthy living and only three months for doing it in a school playground with the business end of a Dyson.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As you are once again overlooked in the Queen’s New Year honours list you begin to wonder whether Play Your Cards Right was actually some kind of communist front organisation in which you were an unwitting imperialist stooge.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No time to lose, there’s only 11 months to get a stupid bastard haircut, a smug expression on your oily fucking dial and a series of blindingly obvious quips for one of those end-of-year review shows.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A grumpy old man with a lonely life of lost love and missed opportunities, you surprise everyone when you unveil an attic full of balloons. Shame they’re all filled with piss.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
With just a few clicks save your spondooliks and you’ll thank your stars that you went to go compare. Enjoy that for the rest of the day, fuckers.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you’ve still got your Christmas tree up by now, it either means you’re common as muck or your emaciated corpse is going to be found in the summer after the neighbours notice that your cat is no longer scratching at the inside of the door.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
First impressions are absolutely crucial, which would certainly explain why people hate Jon Culshaw after about four seconds.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week the moon in Jupiter will remind you that just because someone has weird hair, it does not mean they don’t have a libel lawyer who’s an absolute fucking shark.