Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city lights. Wind was blowing, time stood still, eagle flew out of the night. A great evening of dogging lay ahead.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your partner’s request that you become more physically demonstrative backfires after you repeatedly get them in a headlock.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Relief this week as you realise that the mic was switched off before you started chatting about your solution to ‘the immigration unpleasantness’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
All your prayers are answered with the announcement of a new Febreze that also gets rid of the indefinable odour of utter failure.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Next Thursday evening, why not just get us all a cup of tea while we get on with the man’s work of being funny? There’s a darling.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There’s no trouble that can’t be made easier by sharing it with your best friend, if only they’d answer their email, their phone or their door and stop screaming at you to leave them alone.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you fly into a rage at the Oscar nominations after momentarily forgetting that even though some of them may not be that good they are – each and every single one of them – a billion times more creative and talented than you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
We’ve all had to run out of the house first thing in the morning to take the bins out in time, but next time you may want to take off the arab strap and the Margaret Thatcher mask.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Next, finely chop the chili, leaving in the seeds, and add to the red onion If that doesn’t work, you may have to use the car battery and the bulldog clips.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After the unconventional expert works miracles to eradicate your crippling stutter, you charge him with the more difficult task of having a crack at your wife’s eye-watering views on black people.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oh, for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention. Failing that, somebody setting fire to Muse would do.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Cheer up, it’s not the end of the world. Oh, it’s the end of your world, don’t get me wrong.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Living standards plummet to early 21st Century levels

BRITAIN’S average standard of living will soon be no better than it was just over five years ago.

Bank of England governor Mervyn King said inflation and wage freezes meant take home pay will be equivalent to 2005 levels when all people could afford was loads and loads of stuff.

King said: “Unfortunately this is the price we have to pay for the greatest financial catastrophe in living memory.

“It’s time to batten down the hatches, look out your bank and credit card statements for 2005 and spend that amount of money instead.

“Stay safe, hold each other close and may God have mercy on us all.”

Meanwhile experts have warned that with the economy reaching 2005 levels people could be forced to power their homes using electricity and drive cars with diesel particulate filters and intelligent braking.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I still think it’s 50-50 that high definition televisions will be uninvented,  but we are looking at a situation where, all things being equal, something as familiar and everyday as the Samsung Galaxy Pad would not actually exist.

“It’ll certainly be an interesting challenge. How did people get food in 2005? Did they even have online shopping back then or did they all have to go to a large building with a car park?”

He added: “And how did they make smoothies if they could not afford a smoothie maker with little feet and a big smiley face? Did they have to mash the bananas by hand or fashion some contraption using an old spinning wheel and a series of rapidly rotating forks?