Fresh calls for you to be sacked

YOU are facing the sack today because you once said something about someone that some other people have decided to find offensive.

Pressure has been building on you since last week when one of your colleagues remembered you once made a remark about how the barmaid in the pub next to the office was reasonably attractive and that you could see yourself having sex with her after three, possibly four pints of lager.

Although the barmaid said she really didn’t mind and accepted it as part and parcel of working in the pub trade, the comment was leaked to the rest of the office leading to growing anger, followed by an outcry.

The outcry quickly evolved into furious demands for you to be sacked, mostly from people who had made the same remark about the same barmaid but saw this is an opportunity to get rid of you because they have never liked the way you drink your coffee.

But some have leapt to your defence, insisting the real reason you are being sacked is because you are reclaiming payment protection insurance from a subsidiary of your employer’s parent company.

A source said: “Everyone involved in this – you, your employer, your employer’s parent company and everyone who thinks you should be sacked, particularly the ones who didn’t like you anyway, really need to go fuck themselves to death.

“If you were guards at Auschwitz, I couldn’t hate you more.”

Meanwhile your colleague is under no pressure whatsoever after an email emerged in which she expressed a desire to ‘ride that Benedict Cumberbatch until his eyes pop out of his head’.


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iPhone fired into space to see if it finally gets a signal

SCIENTISTS are to put an iPhone into orbit in an attempt to get a full set of bars for a change.

Once the probe is in geostationary position over the Carlisle launch site, they will remotely attempt to check their emails and go on Facebook before the battery runs out.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Outer space has always held a promise of strange new worlds and the idea of being able to use an iPhone for the primary function it was designed for does seem like some crazy science fiction film.”

Experts hope that if the experiment succeeds thousands of iPhone owners can be subsequently blasted several hundred miles straight up into the air every week until they have all gone.

Brubaker added: “We’ll tell them there’s an app of a talking panda that only works in zero gravity.

“Meanwhile I see no reason why we can’t also squeeze in a load of iPad arseholes on the promise there’s a prototype of the iPad 2 on the moon.

“They paid 400 nicker for that fucking thing so of course they’ll believe me.”

iPhone user Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to see the majestic sapphire sphere of Earth nestling in the sable arms of the eternal cosmos and then type ‘coooool’ into Twitter.”