Christianity is my drug, says new government drugs adviser

NEW government drugs adviser Dr Hans-Christian Raabe has reassured
worried parents by confirming that Christianity is the only drug young
people need.

Dr Raabe stressed that Jesus was the ultimate high and that as soon as people realised that the drugs trade would instantly vanish.

He said: “We can spend all day talking about decriminalisation and rehabilitation but has anyone just told drug takers that if they don’t stop doing it they will go to hell? I think you’ll find that might just solve your little problem for you.”

Dr Raabe also warned that young people who become gay will almost certainly use drugs because most drugs are biologically homosexual. He added: “I read that on a website.”

Drugs minister, James Brokenshire, said: “Under the last government we came dangerously close to having a drugs advisory panel that knew what it was talking about.

“I looked at it, with its professors of this and experts on that and I realised that what it actually needs is more Christians who think drug taking is about morality.

“Dr Raabe will bring to the role some very informed opinions about drugs based on Leviticus and repeated viewings of that bit in Trainspotting with Kelly Macdonald.”

He added: “Naturally, Dr Raabe won’t be coming out with any kooky nonsense about how prohibition isn’t working.

“You only have to go to any nightclub playing predominantly instrumental dance music after 4am to see how completely devoid of drugs it is, from the people on the dancefloor right up to the bouncers on the door, who never have any involvement whatsoever with the drugs that aren’t being sold inside.

“Basically everything’s fine again – good things are good and bad things are bad.

“Carry on.”


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Cameron hails 'golden age' for lesbian squash

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

Announcing the first in a series of sexuality-themed squash development grants, Mr Cameron said squash played by ladies who are attracted to other ladies now stood on the cusp of a new ‘golden age’.

He added: “For too long we have sat back as Spanish and Portuguese squash lesbians swept all before them.

“The fight-back starts now.”

The grant will allow squash clubs to advertise in the lesbian sections of national newspapers and buy special lesbian squash equipment including sweat bands, gay rackets and state-of-the-art strap-on dildos.

If the programme is successful Mr Cameron wants to invest heavily in specialised squash facilities for gimps, thumb fetishists, people who like to dress as their own grandmothers and Max Mosley.

Helen Archer, Britain’s most successful squash lesbian, said: “It’s long overdue. Let me tell you, it’s no fun when a massive Portuguese lesbian rubs your nose in it.”

Meanwhile the prime minister rejected claims the grant was inappropriate at a time when no-one has money for non-lesbian squash equipment or run-of-the mill hand held dildos. He insisted the investment could be recouped by charging men to watch exhibition matches, particularly if there is a chance it might be leading up to something.

Mr Cameron said Britain could also emulate Holland where pay-per-view gimp squash is now the country’s third biggest industry.