Poofter spat in my macaroni, claims angry old woman

ONE of them poofters spat in my macaroni cheese last night, Mrs Phillips in room seven has claimed.

The 84 year-old said that no she didn’t taste it because she didn’t have to as that nancy boy who works in the kitchen has guilt written all over him.

She added: “He prances in here with my butterscotch Angel Delight, fluffing my pillows like a right fairy.

“He asks me how I’m feeling in the most disgustingly suggestive way and makes sure my bad leg is at the right angle before leaving his big poofy fingerprints all over the remote control and chatting to me about Coronation Street like a dirty homo who’s just licked another man’s tinkle.

“I’d complain to the management but they’re all benders as well. I’m asking my family to move me to another home, as soon as they get a chance to visit. They’re ever so busy.”

She added: “And by the way, did you know maths has gone queer? Apparently you’re not allowed to teach children the five times table anymore. It’s all about fisting and peeing on each other.

“How’s that supposed to help you get a good job or do the shopping? Is Tesco going to give you your change in dirty fist pictures?

“Mark my words, it’ll be nancy physics next. How much energy does it take to shove your whatsit up another man’s excuse me?”

Mrs Phillips then rummaged about in her bedside drawer for something she had already forgotten, before adding: “When’s that thieving gypsy girl coming to change my bag?”



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Don't say she was constantly drunk, BBC told Sissons

BBC newsreader Peter Sissons was told not to mention that the Queen Mother was usually hammered.

In his memoirs Sissons reveals that when Queen Elizabeth died in 2002 corporation chiefs said he should be suitably reverential without going over the top but should probably not use phrases such as ‘gin soaked’ and ‘drunken gambler’.

Writing in This is the Sissons, he said: “I was pulled to one side and told I should keep it fairly light, given that she was 132 or something, but at the same time I shouldn’t open with ‘Britain’s most notorious alcoholic…’.

“I was slightly uncomfortable as I felt we could only truly reflect the mood of the nation if the backdrop was a load of empty Gordon’s bottles or the dear old thing half-pissed and trying to clamber onto a horse.

“In the event I just said, ‘Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother has passed away at the age of such and such – if you would like to find out more please check the BBC website’.”

A BBC spokesman said: “At the time we felt that we should limit the coverage to the nice things about the Queen Mother – how much she liked dogs and how she won the war using her lovely hats – rather than getting in too deep and risk opening a larder that was stacked floor to ceiling with large cans of meaty worms.

“Did someone say ‘anti-Semitism’? I don’t know why you’re looking at me, I said ‘collapsing Derby horse’.”

Sissons added: “They also asked me to put on a shirt and tie which was lucky because I was about to go on air wearing a  t-shirt that just said ‘flaps’.”