Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
An interesting eight seconds later this week as the last few moments of your life are spent realising that your entire journalistic career has been spent making an already dreadful world marginally worse with your pinch-mouthed hateful rambling.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As a general rule of thumb, I think it’s usually a good idea to avoid taking pension planning advice from a man wearing a Viking helmet.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Life’s too short to hold on to regrets. Well, yours will be.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Encourage your kids to learn more about wildlife by leaving scraps of food by the back door and watch the wonder on their faces as they see their very first badger, fox or feral tramp.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The road is long, with many a winding turn that leads us to who knows where, who knows where. Fucking TomTom piece of shit.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Don’t rake up old grudges at your forthcoming family gathering. Make up a load of new stuff to go absolutely fucking mental about. It’s what your granddad would have wanted.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re proud to have brought your daughters up with a healthy attitude toward their own body image, but with your genetic timebomb of a fat arse, that was the least you could do.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As an O2 customer, this week you’re offered priority booking for UB40’s latest tour in a hitherto unheard-of usage of the word ‘priority’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept as we remembered Zion. Jesus, those Matrix sequels were rotten, weren’t they?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve managed to broaden your horizons after your recent city break to Bruges and can now add Belgians to the list of people you hate.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your lengthy, well-researched and biting critique into Top Gear is somewhat undermined by the fact that nobody with an ounce of common sense takes any notice of what Clarkson thinks and as a light entertainment program it means as much as a sparrow’s fart in the grand scheme of things.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve given your own spin on the Spanish tradition of tapas and a glass of salty Manzanilla on the terrace by sitting in the park with a bag of Tangy Toms and a bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream. Olé.