Take That riot police 'just a bunch of dancers'

BRITAIN was heavy with disappointment last night as it emerged that Take That’s riot police are just a group of non-violent dancers.

Viewers watching the Brit Awards had hoped the Take That police, equipped with riot shields and batons, would turn on their masters, kettling them into the corner of the stage and beating them to within an inch of their lives.

But instead they pranced around in time to the music without once lashing out viciously at Mark or even Robbie, backed by the full force of the law.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I wanted to see triumphant arcs of Take That blood splashing against the camera.

“I wanted to see Gary Barlow trying to protect his Nice’n’Easy beach blond highlights against blow after righteous blow.

“Then I wanted to see the police rampaging through the crowd, cracking skulls and pummelling kidneys before setting off back stage in search of James Corden’s big fucking face.”

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “What a waste. You have riot police, you have a huge venue filled with untermenschen baying along to this ghastly, insipid shit and yet no-one suffers so much as a broken collar bone.

“Hopefully the organisers will learn their lesson and next year they could perhaps use tear gas and water cannons. Or crocodiles.”

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, said: “I know that Mumford and Sons are the Pogues for people who shop at Waitrose, but the Take That riot police could at least have left the lead singer looking like Shane MacGowan.”



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Doctors assure Paisley new pacemaker is not Catholic

DOCTORS treating former unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

Paisley was admitted to hospital last Friday and had the pacemaker fitted after surgeons presented him with a series of notarised documents confirming the device was Dutch Presbyterian.

Consultant cardiologist Julian Cook said: “Mr Paisley grabbed me by the lapels, stared deep into my eyes and said that if all I had in stock were filthy, left-footed pacemakers, breeding like rabbits then I may as well just kill him now.

“Luckily we haven’t had any Catholic pacemakers since we implanted half a dozen of them into Cherie Blair’s skull.”

The former DUP leader’s son, Ian Paisley Jnr, said: “He would have preferred a Scottish protestant pacemaker as Holland is next door to Belgium and Belgium is dangerously Papist.

“But if there has been any Catholicism within 20ft of it he’ll instinctively know and then he’ll just rip it straight out of his chest and throw it down the bog.”

He added: “My father has always worried that Beelzebub’s Roman wizards would attempt to infiltrate his body whether it was with low fat Pope yoghurt, a endoscope with a little statue of the Virgin Mary on the end if it or a hip operation performed by some dirty Fenian bastard.”

Paisley said his father was back at his desk on Monday using his favourite crayons to draw a picture of John Paul II hanging upside down from a lamppost.