Pretend Mars mission a success, confirms group of nine year-old boys

A SUCCESSFUL simulated Mars mission saw encounters with aliens and also zombies, according to the children who organised it.

In a scientifically-accurate pretend space journey in Tom Logan’s dad’s garage, Stephen Malley and Wayne Hayes negotiated a massive meteor storm to land their craft, the HMS Space Blaster, on the surface of the red planet.

Captain Wayne Hayes, who is 10 next month, said: “The meteors almost got through the shields but I put the warp drive on and then it was fine.

“On the ship we ate mostly space foods like Skittles and Kia-Ora. You have to be really careful what you eat as you can’t have a poo in space because there is no gravity and it will go back up your bum and make your head explode.”

He added: “Also if you do a guff in your spacesuit you die.”

Captain Stephen Malley, who was deemed joint captain after a lengthy argument at the beginning of the mission, said: “We landed in a crater a million miles wide, then we put our spacesuits on with the help of our robots, R2D2 and C3PO from Star Wars.

“I had a spacesuit with lasers on the arms while Wayne had a pink spacesuit with a picture of a pony on it.

“We got attacked by martians with spears. I killed about ten thousand of them with my lasers but there were too many of them. They looked like big frogs but with horns and metal bits.

“Then some zombies killed the martians and we went home.”

Tom Logan , the Boss of NASA, said: “We learned a lot from this mission – including the need for much bigger lasers and lots of special space nappies for when Stephen Malley gets all excited and then pees his pants like a gayboy.”



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NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

The health services ombudsman Ann Abraham studied 10 cases of alleged abuse of elderly people within the NHS and concluded that there were now no women in the UK over the age of 75 who had not been forced to take part in at least one bare-knuckle bloodbath.

Abraham said: “Take the case of Mrs C. She was admitted for stomach pains but instead of being seen by a doctor she was taken to the boiler room, thrust into the centre of a circle of baying nurses and told to fight for her life against an elderly woman who was obviously very experienced in underground fisticuffs.”

But an NHS spokesman said the vast majority of old people who are admitted to hospital are not forced into a bone crunching death match, adding: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

Abrahams also revealed that after the fight the nurses did not even give Mrs C  a glass of water or a bath, but just stuffed a roll of tenners in her hand and told her to ‘get totally hammered’.”

She said: “Unfortunately we have decided that this is all too typical and that there is probably gambling involved as well.”

The NHS spokesman added: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

The health service is now bracing itself for another top to bottom reform with each of its 1.2 million staff members having  to spend at least four hours  a day carrying out a series of detailed checks to make sure they are not forcing an old woman to have a fight.

The NHS spokesman said: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”