Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Unravelling the many secrets of love.

Love landed on my life like a bird onto a sheep’s back,
I could feel its feet and hear its song,
But could not see this little winged backpack,
If only my short sheep’s neck was long.

I wrote that stanza when I was 15 and I have not been able to match that lyrical quality since those creatively fertile years. Let me try in this moment of inspiration.

‘Attractive face, attractive 3D eyes, nose and 3D hair…’

No, it’s just not there, I can’t vibe the same way I used to, but what I miss in lyrical skill I have gained in the form of my perfect partner, Paew Pang. She’s sophisticated, aromatic and has a top of speed of just under 20 miles per hour. This is my story of how I brought her into my life. Learn from it and let it inspire you.

I am a well proportioned man, both intellectually and physically, but I didn’t have the perfect partner. I was doing all the right things, I had visualized the perfect woman and listed the qualities I wanted; good looks with a slight lack of confidence and someone who knows how to make love to a Hip Hop soundtrack and has croupier skills for poker nights. Years went by, but there was no sign of her.

One day I woke up to find two fairly expensive hookers in my bed and I gasped when I realised my actions were contradicting what I wanted. If there were two paid for women in my bed then physically there was no room for my perfect partner. My actions were hurting my current account, but more importantly they were powerfully saying to the Universe that I did not believe I was going to receive what I had asked for unless I got a bigger bed.

I got rid of the girls immediately, then went to my diary to see I had prebooked them for every weekend in 2007. I cancelled all my future appointments and made room for the universe to deliver me someone fresh and beautiful who wouldn’t steal stuff from my house on the way out.

I type this story to you now as Paew Pang stands next to me dutifully holding a tray of drinks and snacks. After taking all these powerful actions and flying to Thailand and choosing Paew Pang from a line-up my perfect partner arrived in my life and now we’re happily married.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Money Can Obviously Buy You Love.

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Woman impregnated by overhead kick

WAYNE Rooney’s right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.

The poorly-constructed Manchester United striker has been hailed as a saint by thousands of people from Surrey after directing a ball in an unusual fashion as part of his job.

Meanwhile a previously-barren post-menopausal woman became instantly pregnant and then gave birth to triplets within moments of the ball hitting the net.

Local sources said all the infants have faces like an elbow sucking a lemon-flavoured dick.

Denys Finch Hatton, professer of divinity at Reading Univeristy, said: “It may be that Rooney accidentally stepped in a puddle of holy water which has imbued his right leg with the righteous power of the almighty or it could be that he’s recently bought the flipflop of an apostle at a jumble sale.

“Or it could be that it was just 13 stone of remedial chimp flinging himself at a pig’s bladder.”

But Monsignor Wayne Hayes, head of Holy Sporting Incidents at the Vatican, believes that Rooney’s screaming 78th minute volley could see his appendage become the first sportsman’s body part to be beatified since ‘Gentleman’ Jim Corbett’s left fist punched its way to sainthood in 1892.

He added: “So, the next time Wayne cuts his toenails, we need him to send the clippings to us so we can analyse them for traces of Jesus DNA.”

If the Vatican approves the sainthood of Rooney’s right foot, tackling the striker or any of his friends will become a recognised form of blasphemy with the offending player facing excommunication and death, in accordance with the Epistles of Ferguson.

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