Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

President Omar Suleiman, whose real first name turns out to  be ‘General’, said the coup was very thoughtful of the Egyptian people, particularly as it came with lots of lovely press coverage.

He added: “Usually in these situations the army has to storm the presidential palace and the TV station and set up a cordon around the airport. It’s a lot of fucking hassle.

“There’s some very nasty shouting and a load soldiers getting all scared.

“And as all that’s going on you’ve got these arsehole foreign governments phoning you up giving you an earful while John Simpson stands outside your new house in a flak jacket telling everyone you’re a prick.

“It’s the sort of thing a soldier who wants total power could really do without. But the thing is you knew that, and that’s why you’re the best population a general could hope for.”

Suleiman said he would be able to use his coup for all kinds of things including dissolving parliament and suspending the constitution as well as making lovely light sponge cakes and perfect meringues.

The general added: “Like all military coups this is a temporary one. Though to be on the safe side it would be useful if you familiarise yourselves with the term ‘ish’.

“As in ‘we will move towards democracy-ish but will have to maintain a state of emergency-ish, but it will only be for six months.

“Ish.”

 

 

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Rastamouse already annoying

THE BBC has been accused of encouraging annoyance with its new series about a Jamaican rodent.

Although Rastamouse has hardly been on for five minutes, parents of young children, husbands and ‘young at heart’ men are already finding cries of ‘Irie’ in a pseudo-West Indian accent extremely wearing.

Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “Last night my husband said he was ‘gwarning’ to Pizza Express with his ‘bredrin’. He’s a 45-year-old caucasian who works as a systems analyst.

“If that wasn’t bad enough, our seven-year-old son keeps asking if his sandwiches are ‘Ital’ and has just successfully won the right to smoke marijuana in assembly, having convinced the school governors that it is essential to maintaining his spiritual connection with Jah.

“I should add that neither of them has actually even seen Rastamouse yet, they’ve only read about it on the internet and decided that the general idea is the most inspired thing ever.

“I have watched it and I disagree.”

Stephen Malley, a white, 51-year-old driving instructor  said: “I and I is loving Rastamouse, seen. He’s making a bad ting good, y’git me star?

“Any man dem hating on those likkle rodents is an utter raasclart, seen.”

He added in his normal voice: “I’m not imitating black people, I’m imitating black people portrayed as rodents, so it’s not racist.”

TV pundit, Julian Cook, said: “Although probably not actually racist unless you’re a dick, Rastamouse may not be amusing for much longer than a nanosecond.

“However, I’m looking forward to the episode ‘Batty Mouse’ where a gay mouse arrives on the scene and challenges the Easy Crew’s staunch views on homosexuality.”