Britain gets comfy as Melanie Phillips explains 'biblical sexuality'

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.

The country wants to get nice and comfy before the Daily Mail‘s in-house Tasmanian Devil embarks on her explanation of ‘biblical sexuality’.

Phillips used the phrase during her latest attack on the idea of two people who love each other very much being married by someone who thinks it’s all absolutely brilliant.

Britain is now in position and fully equipped as it waits for Phillips to begin her lecture as if it was a Sunday afternoon showing of Back to the Future II.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield said: “I hope she focuses on bigamy. King David had eight wives while King Solomon had – wait for it – 700. To be honest I would bloody love 700 wives and as God and Melanie say it’s okay I may as well get cracking.

“I’d have a quick wank first, but as far as I understand it, Melanie thinks I should be killed for that. Still, who needs to wank when you’ve got 700 hand maidens?”

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, added: “God told Abraham to commit adultery, which means that this afternoon  I can ride my fitness instructor like a guilt-free cowgirl. Thank you Melanie.”

She added: “That said, I will be interested to hear Melanie explain the passage in Deuteronomy which says that if a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and does not cry out loud enough, then ‘the men of the city shall stone her to death’.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, said he was particularly interested in the passage in Deuteronomy that says you cannot worship God if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.

He added: “Does it say anything about someone who accidentally hit himself on the cock with a hammer?”

Meanwhile it has also been pointed out that by advocating Biblical sexuality Phillips is calling for all gay people to be killed and that as a result she should be arrested for incitement to murder and locked up with a hefty but tender bull-dyke until she changes her mind.

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, said: “I’ve got my jammy bottoms on, I’ve got my Wotsits and my big bottle of Diet Fanta.

“Okay… Go!

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Mumsnet into filth

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

The community website, which can bring down a rhino at 40 paces, has abandoned its support for online pornography filters after having a look at some of it.

Biting her bottom lip, a spokeswoman said: “Oh my. And they’ve only just met. Look at the size of his whatsit!

“Oh my.”

Bookmarking a variety things for later, she added: “We have decided that filters would be a form of censorship or something.

“Ultimately it is the parents’ responsibility to ensure that children do not look at pornography by making sure that favourite sites are bookmarked with really boring labels like ‘car insurance’ or ‘Amnesty International’.”

Since discovering online pornography the discussion threads on Mumsnet have veered from traditional subjects such as teething and clever things to do with carrots to sticky threesomes and clever things to do with carrots.

Meanwhile thousands of members have even logged in to Dadsnet in a bid to source the hottest mum-on-mum action live from Rotterdam.

Mumsnet obersturmbahnfuhrer, Jane Thompson, said: “If I put a filter on my doo-da I’ll never get it off again.

“That said I suppose I could always get a man to come round, just like the heroine of Dongle IV: Stick it In.”