Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Spice up your love life by trying something different this week, like running it under a tap once in a while, for Christ’s sake.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Before risking your physical safety and your sanity to perfect your performance in a production of ‘Swan Lake’, you should first ask yourself the important question why – given that it’s only ballet and nobody cares – are you even fucking bothering?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, your ideal partner will come into your life. Riding on a unicorn that can cure cancer.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Improv, you say? Either write a script or give me my fucking tenner back, you bone-idle chancer.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Help your kids learn the value of money by making them do odd jobs to earn their allowance. 60-40 split on the package, and the count better be right.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is merely the prelude to the main feature that is the afterlife. That’s why yours seems so disjointed, dull and full of adverts.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your new wet/dry hoover keeps your carpet amazingly clean but you know what else would work? Not being such a cackhanded moron and occasionally treating your dog’s worms.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Nobody likes doing housework but your habit of sealing up the flat with concrete and selling it every time the bins need emptying is proving costly.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you discover that Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio- gogogoc means ‘the noise a Welshman makes when retrieving his frisbee from an electricity pylon’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With the lights out it’s less dangerous, here we are now, entertain us. Honestly, how hard can it be to run a cinema?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a retired footballer you envy the younger lads being busy week in, week out but every now and then you still manage to bang an anonymous model in a Traveldoge.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Rah rah, ah ah ah. Roma, roma ma. Gaga ooh la la. I think that covers all the main points.