STREET fundraisers are to be psychologically re-conditioned to reduce their self-confidence to human levels.
In a move designed to make high streets slightly less wretched, the constantly effusive bastards will undergo treatment which includes having their eyelids stapled to their forehead while a huge screen shows a nine-hour film about why they are not even remotely amazing.
Psychiatrist, Dr Tom Logan, said: “The images run the gamut of all the things they like – didgeridoos, massive trance clubs, fire ‘poi’ – while a Bernard Cribbins voiceover repeats the phrase ‘this is just shit’ until their brains can’t hear anything else.
“‘They are then given a dose of LSD before a small wizened man in a terrifying spider costume is wheeled in to make cutting, witty remarks about their dreadlocks, facial piercings, flaccid wooly hat or failed acting career until they are reduced to a shuddering, weeping mess.
“At that stage we usually give them a nice cup of tea and a cuddle and tell them they’ll be fine but we do know where they live.”
Street fundraiser Stephen Malley, formerly known to himself as ‘Rat’, recently completed the therapy: “I used to be the sort of person who would bound up to strangers in the street like a clipboard-carrying springer spaniel and ask them if they wanted a free hug in a booming, highly affected voice.
“Now I mostly just sit in the corner and tremble.”
Dr Logan added: “They’re not such bad kids really. It’s the team leaders you have to look out for – they’re usually Australians called ‘Chip’ or ‘Renny’ who are good at snowboarding and would high-five a grieving widow at a funeral.
“We take them to Room 23.
“I can’t tell you what happens in Room 23 but it involves something called the ‘claw baby’.”