Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to burn off those excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your first experience using a singles website for people who work in uniforms goes badly when your date turns up direct from his job at Aldi.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I didn’t know medieval knights used Facebook, because that really is the only excuse for using the word ‘methinks’ in a status update, you tiresome bastard.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll be expanding your horizons, from judging people on one talent you don’t have to a whole range of talents you don’t have.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said. Or it was your personal hygiene.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After not being able to touch your toes for years, you’re finally able to after the surgeons amputate your foot due to obesity-related diabetes.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to decide which of your credit cards to try and pay off first. Personally, I’d go for the handwritten one you got off that Polish bloke in the pub.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Fortunately, one of your New Year’s resolutions was to spend the next 30 years in a spit-flecked cell having the liver beaten out of you for being a racist piece of shit.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Films can remind you of important moments in your life, like the first time you met your sister in law. Just don’t say that to your missus the next time you watch Last King of Scotland.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you cement your reputation as the office joker by taking everybody hostage at gunpoint while wearing psychotically-applied white makeup.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Still no word from Universal Pictures on your script, a cross between a war film and quirky French comedy, called Military Tatou.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For those about to rock, we salute you. For those about to Coldplay we hope you get Lupus.