Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, your no-nonsense attitude to work gets you sacked from the homeopathic pharmacy.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If (W-X) x Y+Z=A, where (W) is number of people dead, (X) how many weeks ago they died, (Y) is how horrific the death was and (Z) how young they were, then you want an answer of under 3.  So just enter the figures yourself the next time you’ve made up a ‘sick’ joke rather than telling it then cheekily asking ‘too soon?’, you lazy prick.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your entry to the Sky reality show Got To Dance sees a visit from the RSPCA to explain that the producers don’t want to see any more cats tied to a hotplate.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You will have a sudden revelation this week as you realise with relief that losing the support of the unions has never made any party ever lose an election, ever. Being a useless bellend remains an issue.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You can call it an ‘isotonic performance fuel’ all you like but you know perfectly well your main customers are the severely hungover who were last seen inside a gym during PE.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After complaining to the cinema manager that The Artist didn’t have any dialogue in it, this week you’re complaining that War Horse did.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Do I love you? My oh my, river deep mountain high… no, I’m not avoiding the question, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, you tell your friends about the hilariously abusive things you say to telephone cold callers, because they deserve it, those ‘minimum wage earning, just trying to make a living’ arseholes.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ll always remember her as ‘the one that got away’ or, as the newspapers will dub her, ‘the only survivor’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With the current vogue for amateur astronomy, it can only be a matter of time before somebody spots all those old tires and engine parts you dumped on the moon a few years ago after the local tip’s fees became literally astronomical.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your presentation for Cash Converters’ didn’t go well after you suggested rebranding them as ‘Grief Enablers’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So is trifle. You don’t see trifle on menus much these days, do you? It’s a shame because there’s nothing better than a really well-made trifle. Except revenge.

 

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The Mashipedia Emergency Fact Service

WITH Wikipedia laid low by chronic indignation, the Daily Mash has unselfishly stepped into the breach with a list of today’s Top Ten Must-Have facts:

1. Benedict Cumberbatch was born Cumberdick Bendybatch. He changed it because he thought it sounded weird.

2. The Costa Concordia is a huge metaphor for Italy because it formed an alliance with Hitler during the second world war and has won four World Cups.

3. Humans are not designed to understand the phrase ‘complex carbohydrates’.

4. Richard Dawkins became an atheist after Gloria Hunniford befouled his Segway.

5. The Eurozone crisis has already been solved but Brussels Eurocrats don’t want you to know.

6. In today’s ultra-competitive jobs market, the best way to secure long term, lucrative employment is to tell the interviewer how much you enjoy uploading quirky cat photographs to icanhascheezburger and using the word ‘c*nt’ on Facebook during office hours.

7. Goldman Sachs owns your house and at some point they are going to want it back.

8. ‘Anal sex’ was the 73rd most popular search term on Wikipedia last year. It was mostly Republican candidate Rick Santorum getting himself into an angry froth.

9. Sherlock Holmes faked his death by hiring a BBC film crew and two of the people who write Doctor Who.

10. This article is our intellectual property, if you steal it we will RUIN you.