Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If I were a rich man, yubbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydum. All day long I’d biddybiddybum, if I were a wealthy man. Which probably explains why I’m not.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your looped ‘y’ indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The first heavy snow of winter brings a crystalline hush to the world and as a pristine blanket settles over the gentle rolling hills you tell work you’re snowed in, take off your underpants and go back to playing Skyrim.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

E4 producers haven’t got back to you yet about your suggestion for the show ‘Playing It Straight’ where you suggest a square cut shot is more suitable for shorter off-stump deliveries.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Your interest in Indian culture makes you a more culturally-enriched individual with an appreciation of esoteric spirituality and the many flavours of Asia but that doesn’t mean you need to do the voice as well.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You cannot wait to see the look on your boss’s face when he asks what you’ve been doing all year and you usher him into the stationery cupboard to behold your life-sized papercilp velociraptor.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

One hundred sit-ups a day is impressive. Is there a similar exercise for your ability to make me despise everything about you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You miss your girlfriend’s funny little habits like stealing the duvet, so maybe you shouldn’t have shopped her to the security guard in John Lewis.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Quick question – how does your digestive system cope with you being told to stop being such a fussy little shit and order something?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You ask for a refund from the cinema manager after watching ‘The Grey’ on the basis that if you wanted to watch a dour old man have a terrible time with wolves you’d get a season ticket at Molineux.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your years campaigning against animal testing, capitalism, war in the middle east and fascist groups has seen you develop a keen desire for change. Usually for a can of Kestrel.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

If you’re honest with yourself, you’re not where you thought you’d be by the age of 40 – in prison for killing all those midgets.



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UK braced for crap weather photography

WINTER weather will result in a million of pictures of nothing much, experts have warned.

Arctic conditions across the UK are expected to drive people with too much time on their hands into a frenzy of pointless weather-based amateur photography.

But veteran life coach, Roy Hobbs, said: “Snowy things are far less of a novelty than you think they are. Stay indoors.

“You may think that lone bird on a fencepost looks exceptionally picturesque against a seasonal backdrop, but no-one else gives a tuppenny fuck.

“You can go balls-out crazy with your Photoshop filters, but the sharp observer will see through such tawdry gimmicks.”

He added: “Your relatives might feign interest when you show off the contents of your new 1000-image strong ‘snowpics’ computer folder, but they will be bored.

“By the time you get to the 26th picture of the half-melted snowman, they’ll be thinking about the last time they had sex.”