Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your interest in appearing on University Challenge quickly wanes when you realise it’s not about asking tosspot students to step outside.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More problems with the local cinema manager when he refuses to let you pay one percent of the ticket price to watch the tiny bit of ‘Chronicle’ that the trailer hasn’t completely ruined.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind. As well as offering important rail and road links to both parts of the city and representing one of its major architectural features. If I’m being honest, I don’t really have time for your trivial, whining shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not celebrate 60 years of not dying by asking millions of people to throw you a party whenever you’re passing through their village and buy you a load of shit you can afford to buy yourself?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s annoying when a hen party invades your local. Being dragged out of your pub for sexually molesting a bouncer and stinking of Malibu while dressed as a saucy nun is who you are.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the latest round of redundancies at work miss you out once again, your company’s decision to continue your employment has gone from the fortunate to the baffling to the blatantly sarcastic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your new moisturiser has got hydration-enriched proteins and patented ‘Wrinkless’© technology that has been proven to reduce aging by up to eight years with continued use. Yes, of course it has, you fucking child.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re exhausted after doing 90 minutes down the gym today, as it can be very tiring furtively masturbating under a newspaper while staring at an aerobics class.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They don’t call Jupiter a ‘gas giant’ for nothing, do they? Could somebody open a window and spray some Glade?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Oh, you want the stars to predict your future now, do you? The other week it was all about Brian Cox and his ‘science’. Why not get Brian to tell you whether romance is on the horizon? Arseholes, the lot of you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is ‘I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Confucius reminded us that even the longest journey starts with a single step, as does the one to the offie to get me 20 Rothmans and a half dozen Kestrel Super. Off you pop.



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Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

Millions of viewers around the globe watched in awe as the 72 year-old Queen of Pop defied the laws of gravity and decency as she power-danced like a crazed nursing home hooker in spandex.

Dressed in black thigh high boots and a tiny dress, the veteran of vogue thrilled her audience with frequent glimpses of her flawless, hardened gusset which she waved from side to side like a sinister and menacing totem of war.

Gynaecologist, Dr Linda Graham, said: “At her age, you’d expect Madonna to be leaking fluid like an annoying, drippy tap.

“But she magically appears to have the pudenda of a 22 year-old, with not a prolapse or wizened vulva in sight. I am sure there are millions of pensioners out there who want to know her secret.”

A spokesman for Tena Lady said “Our product is undergoing a revival, thanks to an ageing population and the magical qualities of herbal tea.

“Now inspirational women like Madonna are breaking down social taboos and making it more acceptable to encounter elderly genitalia in the public domain.”