Refusing to have fun now a sackable offence

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

After a recent study found that most workers would rather spend their Saturday in a Texan jail than kayaking with their fellow drones, employers have moved swiftly to stop autonomous thought during ‘team building’ activities.

Mobile phone company boss Tom Logan said: “We have introduced something called the three-whoops-and-a-yay rule.

“Basically that’s the minimum amount of appreciative noises a team member must make during the course of a team-building exercise.

“It should be noted that ironic or sardonic whoops, where there is a deliberate lack of vigour, do not count and may in fact result in a temporary suspension of pay.

“And ‘yay’ must be accompanied by a triumphant gesture, for example punching the air or jumping.”

Travel agency boss Emma Bradford said: “During our last kayak-centric weekend, we introduced cranial electrodes that monitored staff members’ pleasure receptors.

“Anyone not displaying the neural activity associated with enjoyment was immediately issued with their P45.

“It was a great couple of days, you should see the photos on Facebook.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Surely the way you build a team is you hire a group of people and tell them to work together.

“There you go. Team built.

“And nobody had to get wet.”


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Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

The jubilee concert will include Gary Barlow, Paul McCartney and Elton John in a 36-hour lower middle class cacophony that will make Her Majesty wish she was either the Queen of Austria or dead.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “She pledged to rededicate herself to the nation and unfortunately that does include stuff like this.

“She is fond of ordinary people she just wishes they would keep their ordinariness to themselves. If anyone had bothered to ask her she would have preferred a remote control Japanese horse jacuzzi.

“Anyway, thanks for the concert.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that the Queen has asked for the Golden Bong of Saxe-Coburg to be placed on standby for the duration of the jubilee celebrations.

The 24-carat bong, first used by Prince Albert in 1842, was a gift from the Nizam of Hyderabad and has helped seven generations of royalty cope with events including Trooping the Colour and staring directly at the Cenotaph for two hours in the middle of November.

Should the Queen feel the need, the 27-inch tall smoking device will be removed from its plinth in the Tower of London and loaded with grade-A skunk from all corners of the Commonwealth.

Royal historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “An 85 year-old woman cannot be expected to sit in a big chair on top of a barge and be paraded down the Thames without feeling that she is at least floating above it.”

It will be the first time the Queen has used the bong since 11 May, 2010, the last time she had to speak to Gordon Brown.