TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.
After a recent study found that most workers would rather spend their Saturday in a Texan jail than kayaking with their fellow drones, employers have moved swiftly to stop autonomous thought during ‘team building’ activities.
Mobile phone company boss Tom Logan said: “We have introduced something called the three-whoops-and-a-yay rule.
“Basically that’s the minimum amount of appreciative noises a team member must make during the course of a team-building exercise.
“It should be noted that ironic or sardonic whoops, where there is a deliberate lack of vigour, do not count and may in fact result in a temporary suspension of pay.
“And ‘yay’ must be accompanied by a triumphant gesture, for example punching the air or jumping.”
Travel agency boss Emma Bradford said: “During our last kayak-centric weekend, we introduced cranial electrodes that monitored staff members’ pleasure receptors.
“Anyone not displaying the neural activity associated with enjoyment was immediately issued with their P45.
“It was a great couple of days, you should see the photos on Facebook.”
Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Surely the way you build a team is you hire a group of people and tell them to work together.
“There you go. Team built.
“And nobody had to get wet.”