Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Following the success of the Titanic anniversary voyage, you start plans on a commemorative reconstruction of Amelia Earhart’s last flight across the Pacific using a couple of box kites and a lawnmower engine.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more. No, you fucking help yourself, I’ll just have some carrots.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve developed an iPhone app that makes it look like a Hoxton arsehole’s sub-Wes Anderson script has actually been written on a 1960s Remington typewriter so you can expect that billion dollar bid in about 18 months time.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve been getting into great shape in the run-up to the Olympics, as nicking copper piping from building sites is incredibly aerobic.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The next time somebody asks you to change the toner in the office photocopier, tell them ‘I don’t like your toner voice!’ and then laugh hysterically until somebody kicks your fucking teeth in.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Britain may well have talent, but the show isn’t ready for yours, even if you did have to remove two ribs and three vertebrae.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While Aquarius favours a traditional flat back four and Leo the more fluid 3-5-2 system allowing the wingbacks to get forward, Scorpio just humps the kit bag until you spray some water on him.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an Angel! In apprehension how like a god, the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. Except the Welsh. Obviously.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Not through it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you’re forced to pull out of a presidential candidate race after Satan decides you can keep your manky fucking soul after all.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s a fine line between genius and madness but there’s an enormous border drawn in thick black marker pen between not being a complete moron and what you are.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Hello. Did you know that many people were mis-sold horoscopes in the 90s and you may be eligible for a refund? Please type “Hnnnghh” to hear more.