Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Following the success of the Titanic anniversary voyage, you start plans on a commemorative reconstruction of Amelia Earhart’s last flight across the Pacific using a couple of box kites and a lawnmower engine.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more. No, you fucking help yourself, I’ll just have some carrots.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You’ve developed an iPhone app that makes it look like a Hoxton arsehole’s sub-Wes Anderson script has actually been written on a 1960s Remington typewriter so you can expect that billion dollar bid in about 18 months time.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You’ve been getting into great shape in the run-up to the Olympics, as nicking copper piping from building sites is incredibly aerobic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

The next time somebody asks you to change the toner in the office photocopier, tell them ‘I don’t like your toner voice!’ and then laugh hysterically until somebody kicks your fucking teeth in.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Britain may well have talent, but the show isn’t ready for yours, even if you did have to remove two ribs and three vertebrae.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While Aquarius favours a traditional flat back four and Leo the more fluid 3-5-2 system allowing the wingbacks to get forward, Scorpio just humps the kit bag until you spray some water on him.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an Angel! In apprehension how like a god, the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. Except the Welsh. Obviously.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Not through it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

This week you’re forced to pull out of a presidential candidate race after Satan decides you can keep your manky fucking soul after all.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

There’s a fine line between genius and madness but there’s an enormous border drawn in thick black marker pen between not being a complete moron and what you are.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Hello. Did you know that many people were mis-sold horoscopes in the 90s and you may be eligible for a refund? Please type “Hnnnghh” to hear more.


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Prometheus may feature ALF, hints Ridley Scott

DIRECTOR Ridley Scott has hinted his mystery-shrouded sci-fi epic Prometheus could feature the sardonic 80s TV alien ALF.

As the publicity for the enigmatic science fiction film reaches fever pitch, Scott has given his strongest indication yet that the wisecracking big-nosed dog-thing is a major character.

Scott said: “I don’t want to give too much away, but if you pause the trailer on Youtube at 1.15 you just might see a flash of a distinctive ridged, sponge-constructed snout.

“Also check out 1.24, there’s a couple of frames of a certain acronym-named alien life form giving a withering look to Michael Fassbender.”

It had been widely assumed that Prometheus was a prequel to Scott’s 1979 hit Alien.

But the director said: “I just said it was about an alien. At no point did I specify the type.”

He added: “While I can’t confirm or deny anything, I’ve always thought that the cancellation of ALF left a lot of unanswered questions.

“Why does ALF crash land in the Tanner family’s garage? How come he has such a highly developed sense of irony? Was he somehow responsible for the destruction of his home planet Melmac? How might his body change if he actually managed to eat a cat?

“And although we never see the character below the waist, it’s possible ALF could have some sort of armoured prehensile penis with an acid-dripping spike, which he sticks into Mr Tanner’s ear, thus impregnating him with massive larvae. Or at least that could happen in a purely hypothetical film version.”

Fanatical science fiction fan Martin Bishop said: “If you freeze frame the trailer at 2.12 and look at the bottom left of the screen, there’s a shadow that is definitely Dirk Benedict playing lacrosse with Count Duckula.”