Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After telling your doctor how miserable you get listening to Vivaldi, he diagnoses you with four seasonally affected disorder.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After studying conspiracy theories at college you decide to go for an All Hail Our Lizard Masters degree.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve sent your meal back to the restaurant kitchen so many times it’s at the tipping point where it’s more bodily fluids than food.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Since you ask, I don’t think strippers accept Nectar points.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a committed atheist you spend two hours this evening telling the kids making snow angels in the park about the folly and intellectual poverty of faith. You fucking hero, you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Faber & Faber on your book about Welsh cinephile one-upmanship called 1001 Films To See Before You, Dai.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you feel your life lacks an element of impenetrable mystery, just spend five minutes contemplating the continuing career of Ellie Goulding.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You forget to put on your 24-hour protection deodorant and come home from work to find a threatening note on your front door and your house trashed.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Are you still alive? What an oversight.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The price of builders has risen so sharply recently you’ve taken to calling your local escort agency and asking whether any of the girls know anything about wiring.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You don’t have an iPhone with the Do Not Disturb feature and instead have to rely on not having the kind of prickend friends who call you at 3am.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This horoscope may contain horse molecules.