Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s a tale about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven his ability to knock shite out of two burglars.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
While you usually enjoy the modernist literary device of an unreliable narrator, the last novel you bought had such an unreliable narrator all the pages were blank.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news yet on what they intend to do about the chronic lack of parking in Leicester city centre.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Since you realized that ‘the Taliban’ can be sung to the tune of The Muppets’ Ma-Na-Ma-Na, you’ve found it very difficult not to.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve done your best to oppose homeopathy over the years but it’s just a drop in the ocean.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The premiums for your home insurance have really dropped since the divorce, as two binbags of used clothes and a tear-sodden wedding photo shouldn’t cost much to replace

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Now I’ve had the time of my life, no I never felt this way before. And I owe it all to you. Plus £150, I think we agreed?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Of a weekend you like nothing more than strolling around a farmer’s market or quaint antique fair, picking people’s pockets.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You may think your wife has spent every night this week late at work doing admin, but his name’s actually Amin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as the cockroach infestation in your bedsit is cleared by the increasingly violent rat infestation.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Scorpio enters your sign this week after buying it a nice meal and laughing at its stories.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
400-175. Suck it, shitheads.



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Secret of successful relationship is getting pissed together

COUPLES who share regular marathon drinking sessions are more likely to stay together, it has been claimed.

According to research, couples are more likely to split if there is a disparity in the amount they drink.

Stephen Malley said: “I’ve been with my partner for 15 years, and she’s great because she can really put away a ton of sauce. It’s what I look for in a lady.

“I love boozing but my previous partner was all like, ‘you’ve been sick on yourself again’, or ‘you shouldn’t be asleep in that bush’, yadda yadda yadda. She was no fun.”

Malley’s long-term girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Yesterday we went out at midday and woke up at 4am this morning lying on a roundabout with only one shoe between us. The magic’s still there.

“They say the best memories are the ones you can’t remember.”

Drink-based relationship counsellor Emma Bradford said: “You should both clear your diaries one evening per week, get a babysitter and make it ‘session night’. Match each other drink-for-drink and then try to a steal a fruit machine.

“A loving couple should prop each other up emotional and physically, particularly if one of them has fallen over in the road and their legs aren’t working properly.”