Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you watch Home Alone on rewind, where its a tale about a family wholl only adopt a boy once hes proven his ability to knock shite out of two burglars.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
While you usually enjoy the modernist literary device of an unreliable narrator, the last novel you bought had such an unreliable narrator all the pages were blank.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news yet on what they intend to do about the chronic lack of parking in Leicester city centre.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Since you realized that the Taliban can be sung to the tune of The Muppets Ma-Na-Ma-Na, youve found it very difficult not to.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Youve done your best to oppose homeopathy over the years but its just a drop in the ocean.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The premiums for your home insurance have really dropped since the divorce, as two binbags of used clothes and a tear-sodden wedding photo shouldnt cost much to replace
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Now I’ve had the time of my life, no I never felt this way before. And I owe it all to you. Plus £150, I think we agreed?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Of a weekend you like nothing more than strolling around a farmers market or quaint antique fair, picking people’s pockets.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You may think your wife has spent every night this week late at work doing admin, but his names actually Amin.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as the cockroach infestation in your bedsit is cleared by the increasingly violent rat infestation.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Scorpio enters your sign this week after buying it a nice meal and laughing at its stories.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
400-175. Suck it, shitheads.