Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s a tale about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven his ability to knock shite out of two burglars.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
While you usually enjoy the modernist literary device of an unreliable narrator, the last novel you bought had such an unreliable narrator all the pages were blank.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news yet on what they intend to do about the chronic lack of parking in Leicester city centre.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Since you realized that ‘the Taliban’ can be sung to the tune of The Muppets’ Ma-Na-Ma-Na, you’ve found it very difficult not to.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve done your best to oppose homeopathy over the years but it’s just a drop in the ocean.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The premiums for your home insurance have really dropped since the divorce, as two binbags of used clothes and a tear-sodden wedding photo shouldn’t cost much to replace

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Now I’ve had the time of my life, no I never felt this way before. And I owe it all to you. Plus £150, I think we agreed?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Of a weekend you like nothing more than strolling around a farmer’s market or quaint antique fair, picking people’s pockets.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You may think your wife has spent every night this week late at work doing admin, but his name’s actually Amin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as the cockroach infestation in your bedsit is cleared by the increasingly violent rat infestation.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Scorpio enters your sign this week after buying it a nice meal and laughing at its stories.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
400-175. Suck it, shitheads.