Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As somebody with an eye for a bargain, youre delighted to discover the security guard in your local Asda is off work sick and they havent had time to get in a temp.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The man in B&Q advised against painting your bedroom red as its a very aggressive colour, not realising you were planning to then cover the walls with pictures of celebrities with their eyes scratched out.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Lets get it on. Ohhhhhhh baby, lets get it on. Wait, I was talking about creosoting the shed, what did you think I meant?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You feel the director of What To Expect When Youre Expecting missed a trick when at no point in the film is there a scene where the heroines husband is found wanking at the Mondeo of a middle-aged couple from Carlisle.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week your star sign is ruled by Jupitus and you find yourself making a number of appearances on QI.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I dont think anything that comes in a freezer bag of 50 and costs under two quid can accurately be described as ‘gourmet’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You phone the RSPCA to tell them you could give little Rover a home. After all, those badgers arent going to bait themselves, are they?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a creative person, youre keen on hypothetically asking how people could do dead-end 9-5 jobs their whole lives, mainly because nobody has ever said Well, if they didnt thered be nobody to pay the wages of gobshites like you.”
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Im sure those chest pains are just wind. After all, doing no exercise and smoking 40 fags a day for thirty years is bound to have trapped a lot of wind in there.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for fucks sake.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Still no word from Hollywood on your proposed horror film Grover Cleveland, Chupacabra Wrangler.