Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As somebody with an eye for a bargain, you’re delighted to discover the security guard in your local Asda is off work sick and they haven’t had time to get in a temp.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The next time your family and friends criticise you for sitting at home all day on your arse, ask them what else they suggest you use for sitting with. That will show them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The man in B&Q advised against painting your bedroom red as it’s a very aggressive colour, not realising you were planning to then cover the walls with pictures of celebrities with their eyes scratched out.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Let’s get it on. Ohhhhhhh baby, let’s get it on. Wait, I was talking about creosoting the shed, what did you think I meant?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You feel the director of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” missed a trick when at no point in the film is there a scene where the heroine’s husband is found wanking at the Mondeo of a middle-aged couple from Carlisle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week your star sign is ruled by Jupitus and you find yourself making a number of appearances on QI.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think anything that comes in a freezer bag of 50 and costs under two quid can accurately be described as ‘gourmet’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You phone the RSPCA to tell them you could give little Rover a home. After all, those badgers aren’t going to bait themselves, are they?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a creative person, you’re keen on hypothetically asking how people could do dead-end 9-5 jobs their whole lives, mainly because nobody has ever said “Well, if they didn’t there’d be nobody to pay the wages of gobshites like you.”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’m sure those chest pains are just wind. After all, doing no exercise and smoking 40 fags a day for thirty years is bound to have trapped a lot of wind in there.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for fuck’s sake.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Still no word from Hollywood on your proposed horror film Grover Cleveland, Chupacabra Wrangler.



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Computers become moron

ENGINEERS working for Google have linked together 1,000 computers to perform the role of one really annoying person.

The neural network, which mimics the function of a moron’s brain, can recognise pictures of cats dressed as superheroes, write reviews of ‘cult’ science fiction TV series and locate pictures of any celebrity’s breasts within 30 seconds.

Google engineer Tom Logan said: “We didn’t name the network but we imagined that if it was a person, it would have sinus issues, a t-shirt with a Star Trek joke on it and an astounding definition of what constitutes personal hygiene.

“We have basically used the latest in image-recognition, data aggregation and artificial intelligence techniques to create a machine that would live in your basement and still be unemployed and unmarried by the age of 35.”

“If you remember the film Lawnmower Man it’s basically that with more wanking.”

The self-learning network can differentiate between motivational posters and inspirational quotes and random strings of words, which makes it more advanced than 60% of the people on Facebook.

Developers noted that when left to develop independently, the network’s personality was automatically embittered, rambling and under the assumption that its demented comments posted beneath newspaper articles have some sort of value.

Logan admits that the network is still relatively unsophisticated and says it will be many years before they can replicate the ability to fake a picture of Lindsay Lohan fellating a farm animal.

He said: “I’m sure Alan Turing’s artificial intelligence test would be unable to distinguish between our network and an actual, living gobshite.”