Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Spirits are generally 100% proof, unless Derek Acorah’s talking about them, in which case they’re 0% proof.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll learn if you’re lurking around the woods wearing a disguise, the police will *not* believe it’s because of the teddy bear’s picnic.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Thanks to Buzzfeed you can now only read stuff if it’s written in list form. You’re currently enjoying James Joyce’s “14,298 Facts About Leo Bloom”.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All razors are disposable razors, if you think about it.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
It’s been fourteen days since I stopped caring about how many days it’s been since you stopped smoking.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you buy a couple of chocolate bars for your appointment with Audrey Hepburn’s kid. Two Drifters, off to meet the son.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As part of your health kick you’re having three days a week in January with no alcohol. You’re due in court in March.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Uh-oh. The reincarnation of Homer has turned up to question your use of the word ‘epic’ about a night out in Wetherspoons. Well this is awkward.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Get rid of those mid-week blues by a night in on your own with a tub of ice cream. Try eating it this time, though.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your new-found focus at work goes a bit far on Thursday when colleagues find you screaming ‘Take it, you BITCH’ as you feed paper into the document shredder.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your first day as a BBFC censor goes badly when you describe the first three films you’re asked to rate as ‘utterly unwankable’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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