Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Spirits are generally 100% proof, unless Derek Acorah’s talking about them, in which case they’re 0% proof.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll learn if you’re lurking around the woods wearing a disguise, the police will *not* believe it’s because of the teddy bear’s picnic.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Thanks to Buzzfeed you can now only read stuff if it’s written in list form. You’re currently enjoying James Joyce’s “14,298 Facts About Leo Bloom”.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All razors are disposable razors, if you think about it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s been fourteen days since I stopped caring about how many days it’s been since you stopped smoking.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you buy a couple of chocolate bars for your appointment with Audrey Hepburn’s kid. Two Drifters, off to meet the son.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As part of your health kick you’re having three days a week in January with no alcohol. You’re due in court in March.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Uh-oh. The reincarnation of Homer has turned up to question your use of the word ‘epic’ about a night out in Wetherspoons. Well this is awkward.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Get rid of those mid-week blues by a night in on your own with a tub of ice cream. Try eating it this time, though.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your new-found focus at work goes a bit far on Thursday when colleagues find you screaming ‘Take it, you BITCH’ as you feed paper into the document shredder.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your first day as a BBFC censor goes badly when you describe the first three films you’re asked to rate as ‘utterly unwankable’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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Football clubs urged to panic buy early

FOOTBALL clubs are being advised to get their ill-advised transfer window panic buys in early before the rush.

The expected demand for out-of-form strikers, defenders with fucked knees and reserve goalkeepers with gambling debts could exhaust supplies before January 31st.

Leading football agent Norman Steele said: “If you’re in the market for an untried Paraguayan winger who looks fantastic on a cleverly-edited YouTube video, act fast.

“Otherwise some other lucky club will be discovering that he’s put on six stone since November.”

Particularly advised to throw millions at their problems are clubs in the relegation zone, clubs which have recently changed manager or clubs likely to sack their current manager in early February.

The chairman of a leading Norwich-based club, speaking anonymously, said: “There are only so many young defenders with longstanding attitude problems and drink-driving convictions on the market.

“The temptation is to wait until January 31st in the hope of being forced to pay a higher price, but the prudent club can pay well over the odds straight away.”

Sunderland are in the hunt for marquee names hiding career-ending injuries, Arsenal are looking for a foreign buy to destabilise their title bid, and Hull City are keen on big-name Englishmen ready to begin a stately journey down the divisions.

Steele said: “Whether you fancy a lower-league journeyman enjoying the one good season of his career or a sulky Brazilian who refuses to play in rain, buy now and worry about your unsustainable levels of debt later.”