Sports Direct launches wedding list service

LEISUREWEAR retailer Sports Direct has entered the lucrative wedding list market.

A spokesman said: “Most married couples will eventually end up spending all their downtime wearing jogging clothes while being entirely sedentary.

“And what better way to celebrate that slow slide into mutual animosity than with his and hers tracksuit bottoms?”

Bride-to-be Donna Sheridan said: “We haven’t made our minds up just yet. I’m holding out until I see what Gamestation can offer us.

“What I’d really like is loads of vouchers. I wish someone would invent a voucher that you can spend in any shop.”

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Middle class 'just working class people with nicer stuff'

MIDDLE class people share 100 per cent of their genetic material with working class people, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that the differences between the two classes were entirely cultural.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “While the upper class is extra-terrestrial in origin there is no biological distinction between the two lower tiers of our society.

“You may think you’ve done well, but you’re probably just one brioche away from being a prole.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Our only hope is to keep buying stuff.

“We can only afford two middle class things this week, a pomegranate to put in salad and one of those round cheeses that you bake in the oven.

“In the evenings we gather around the cheese and look at it, as if a message of hope might manifest on its rubbery exterior.”