Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A surprise this week as Andy Murray, with just one challenge left in his match, challenges Vitali Klitschko for the heavyweight title.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always appreciated the gratitude of French midgets after your mum told you to be grateful for small mercies.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After your promise of a European referendum fails to distract everyone away from what a tramp’s bollock you’re making of everything, this week you come into work with a puppy.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Blue moon…you saw me standing alone…now can you please stop staring when I’m having a piss?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People usually put on a croaky voice when they’re phoning in sick but not many employees bother to record a backing track of heartbeat monitors, respirators and somebody shouting “My god doctor, we’re losing him!”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can’t make something out of nothing. Not without adding an ‘e’, an ‘s’ and an ‘n’ squashed up next to the other one.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While a lot of people have criticised 50 Shades Of Grey, you feel that it may finally break down some of the stigma and taboos of being somebody who’s into really badly-written fan fiction.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your excitement at getting tickets for the latest Queen tour, with vocals provided by the bloke from Reef, is tempered by the realisation that they’re going to have to call themselves ‘Queef’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can’t wait to see Magic Mike, because given the current downward trajectory of his directorial career Steven Soderburgh’s next film is going to be set in a warehouse, filmed on a camcorder and feature a bored-looking housewife and a Labrador.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Sometimes a nice cup of tea can make everything better. Now, let me just find a couple of mugs without blood all over them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After eating 100 Greggs steak bakes in under five minutes, it’s only at the last moment you remember what your cover story was for doing it and reluctantly phone the Guinness Book Of Records.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a…hello? Are you still there?



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Ping pong table prevents riots

THE arrival of a ping pong table at a Tottenham youth club has prevented another summer of urban riots, it has emerged.

The table, which came with balls, net and four bats, is thought to represent the tipping point between the area’s youth being bored and being inspired.

Youth worker Donna Sheridan said: “We’d tried everything: a ‘bar’ serving Fanta, First Aid classes, even a community theatre play about chlamydia.

“Nothing seemed to engage them and I felt we were headed inexorably towards another summer of violence, at least soon as the weather improved.

“Then the ping pong table arrived.

“Suddenly crews from other post codes with a longstanding history of ‘beef’ were coming over, bringing their own bats in little zip-up cases.”

Local teenager Norman Steele said: “When I’m playing ping pong, it’s like I forget about all my problems. I’m in another place, like a ping-pong planet.

“Round here, young people feel like they’ve been abandoned by the rest of society, a problem I addressed in my own small way last year by stealing 200 AA batteries from Rymans then setting fire to it.

“But now I’ve stopped listening to grime and my role models are ping pong players like China’s Liqin Wang and the German Timo Boll.”