Tulip bulb mania returns to Europe

SAVERS in Britain, Germany and France are taking their funds out of the banking system and putting them into tulip bulbs.

Discredited as an investment opportunity after they destroyed the Dutch economy in the 17th century, the bulbs are now seen as more secure assets than bank shares, government bonds, or limited-edition Star Wars Lego.

Analysts believe that the new outbreak of tulip mania is a bubble, but admit they are hard-pressed to recommend something that isn’t.

Economist Carolyn Shaw said: “Pork belly futures, blue-chip stock or default credit swaps; whatever, you’re giving your money to cocaine-crazed sharks who’ll keep the fucking lot.

“Also tulip bulbs do eventually turn into flowers, which is more than can be said for shares in Facebook.”

GP Stephen Malley said: “The £1.2 million I’d invested in the Spanish property market is now worth less than a second hand Speed Stick deodorant.

“Since the new tulip mania began, however, I’ve managed to secure a loan of £120,000 on the contents of my potting shed.”

Other investments including comics with shiny hologram covers, ‘limited edition’ yoghurts and the sought-after Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky are now thought to bring higher returns than high street banks, which rank the same as putting your money in a bottle, throwing it in the ocean and taking up deep-sea fishing.

However trading in the new Barclays EasyBulb scheme, launched to help ordinary investors get into the tulip market, has been suspended after numerous customers reported bulbs that looked and smelled suspiciously like onions.



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UK to become inquiry-based economy

BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.

With one in ten of the nation’s workforce currently conducting, the subject of, or reporting on a judicial review, several companies are setting up public inquiry call centres in the north of England.

Centre supervisor Tom Logan said: “We offer a bespoke service with everything from a quick brush under the carpet to a complete three-ring circus that takes so long everybody gets completely bored by the whole thing and forgets what it was about, leaving you to carry on as before.

“Whether you’re a government that’s let a mining company use child labourers as sandbags during open-cast blasting or you’re just a parent who wants to know who keeps using the last of the toilet roll without replacing it, we can provide an inquisition to suit your needs.”

Massive recruitment drives are underway to train people in vital enquiry skills, from fiddling awkwardly with a desktop microphone to asking somebody to clarify a point in Spanish, Mandarin, Russian and the other main languages where service demand is anticipated.

As the public inquiry market becomes increasingly saturated, some companies have started cold-calling large firms and governments, claiming to have news on a financial scandal they were involved in and offering to look into it for a special rate.

Roy Hobbs, a self-employed South American dictator said: “I was sat at home one evening watching Two & A Half Men when somebody rang to say my junta had been involved in vote-rigging and that they could hold an international peacekeeping investigation into it by Tuesday week.

“I knew I hadn’t used my junta in years and as far as I knew they were still stored in their barracks but the man sounded so convincing I gave him my bank details over the phone there and then. Now I feel like such an idiot.”

A public inquiry into the illegal practices used by new public inquiry firms has also been set up, with three of the major firms bidding to investigate themselves.