How important are you at work?

WITH so many people milling about your workplace, it’s sometimes hard to tell if you are senior or just a hapless minion. Let’s find out…

You are currently sitting:

A) In the highly democratic, open plan office space.
B) In the highly democratic, open plan office space, but the unspoken ‘special bit’ near where the CEO sits.

You contribute:

A) An absolute shitload.
B) Nothing, unless you count asking for things to be re-done in a slightly different format like a moron with too much free time.

If you tell someone they’re fired, they:

A) Snort and say ‘Piss off, you twat’.
B) Burst into tears and invite people for an emergency conference at the pub

Have you ever had gardening leave?

A) I f**king wish
B) Getting paid to not work is totally normal and totally fair on the people left to do the actual work. What do you think funded my holiday home?

Do you have your own assistant?

A) No. I did once ask Chloe to help me book a room but she gave me a Chinese burn.
B) Now you come to mention it, someone does bring me these nice green smoothies, and it’s not my wife.

Mostly As: You’re a minion, and not a fun, yellow one from those nature documentaries. Never mind, you get to be free from the stresses and strains of – oh, hold on, sorry, that’s a lot of f**king bollocks.

Mostly Bs: You are senior. Burnout is sometimes a risk at this stage, but not in your case, as you would have to work out what the f**k is actually going on.

Woman who wants some 'me time' admits she means w*nking

A WOMAN who told her boyfriend that she wants some time to ‘recharge her batteries’ has admitted that she just wants to have a w*nk in peace.

Nikki Hollis, 34, has tried using ‘me time’ as a euphemism to save them both the embarrassment of her confessing that she wants 10 minutes alone to rub one out, but with little success.

Hollis said: “When I started talking about ‘me time’, Tom thought I meant having a long, hot bath or writing a diary, or whatever ridiculous bullsh*t the covers of women’s magazines have led him to believe.

“He’s a nice man so he offered to light some candles or make me a hot water bottle, neither of which is necessary for me to have a quick wank and then watch the Eastenders omnibus on catch-up, so I just admitted the truth in the end.

“Unfortunately, he’s started using the phrase too. I preferred it when he just disappeared to the toilet for ages without saying anything because at least then I could pretend he was just having a massive sh*t.”