How to start an imaginary exercise regime

HAVE you got some great ideas for exercising but can’t manage the ‘actually doing it’ bit? Here’s how to get super-fit entirely in your own imagination.

Start out gently
If you intend to imagine going running, start with a gentle jog. This will get your brain used to imagining running, and you can build up to detailed fantasies about punishing 15-mile cross country runs without giving yourself a headache.

Visualise joining a gym
If you want to get toned and slim, there’s no substitute for putting in the hours at an imaginary gym. This has the added advantage of being completely free and all the other members looking like Chris Hemsworth or Margot Robbie in tight gym wear.

Take up that violent sport you were too scared to
Boxing and martial arts are superb exercise. With the threat of actual physical injury removed, there’s no reason why you can’t train until you’re a rock-hard Action Man like Lewis Collins. And who knows – your imaginary self-defence skills may one day help you fight off an imaginary mugger.

Make sure you’ve got the right equipment
Imagine you’ve got a good quality pair of running shoes or an expensive home gym. An imaginary injury could set you back weeks as you envisage yourself sitting glumly on the sofa with your knee in a support bandage.

Be prepared to push yourself to the limits of your imagination
Get the most out of fictitious exercise with exotic activities such as scuba diving. If you’ve really got your imagination in shape you could easily find yourself rescuing a young Debbie Harry from an evil robotic shark.

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Environmentalist too self-important to worry about Brexit

A MAN refuses to waste his time thinking about Brexit because intelligent people like him are more concerned with saving the planet.

Tom Booker regularly tells friends and colleagues that destroying the environment would be far worse than a no-deal Brexit, something he believes has not occurred to them.

Administration assistant Booker said: “I’ve got a direct debit with Friends of the Earth and I cycle to work, so I can see the big picture.

“But most people can’t grasp that the Earth becoming uninhabitable is more important than a recession and a few job losses. I actually feel sorry for them, not understanding things like I do.

“I told Lucy ‘You won’t be worrying about your sister’s insulin when the human race is extinct’, but she just stared at me. I expect she was feeling guilty about her carbon footprint.”

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “Ironically he’s probably helping to destroy the environment, because after speaking to the condescending pr*ck you feel like booting a penguin into landfill just for the hell of it.”