Saturday, 7th December 2019

How to get out of trouble, by Prince Andrew

HELLO. I’m a former trade envoy for the UK and keen golfer, though you may know me as Prince Andrew. But I’m also an expert at getting out of trouble. Try these tips: 

Have perfect recall and total amnesia Facing an accusation? Explain that your memory is hazy and you are congenitally incapable of noticing background details like trafficked teenage girls, but then snap into perfect photographic detail about one specific evening 19 years ago when you had a pizza. Never fails.

You only did the bad thing because you are so good Friends with a convicted sex offender? He introduced you to some wonderful people. Went to stay with him? Only to end the friendship honorably. Took part in a mass-murder? It wouldn’t do to embarrass your host by standing aside.

Improvise Accused of being a sweaty, fat man with sausage fingers? Clarify that actually you are unable to perspire because an Argentine bullet passed within 180ft of you during the Falklands War. Nobody will look into this or find evidence to the contrary.

Photographs can be faked Lean entirely on this scientific fact, while making it apparent you don’t really care either way. Why would anyone fake it? Not your problem.

Fly a helicopter This isn’t really relevant, unless the trouble is the kind one can be airlifted out of. I just remind people at every opportunity that I can fly a helicopter and they cannot.

Be royal None of the above working? There’s always the classic fallback position of being a member of the Royal Family. Questions - and prosecutions - simply melt away. Don't believe me? Ask my dad.