Sorting hat or daemon, which childish way are you defining your personality?

PERSONALITIES are complex, or at least other people’s are. Have you defined yours via fantasy stories for children?

You’re running late for work, what do you do?
A) Message the boss some pathetic excuse via Whatsapp. Hopefully a different one than last time.
B) Imagine I’m soaring over the crowds on my Firebolt broomstick, instead of fumbling for my Oyster card.
C) Pretend that my daemon has transformed into an albatross who can carry me to work.

How do you make important life decisions?
A) Write a list of pros and cons, sleep on it then make a decision while pissed.
B) Skim through the Harry Potter Wiki to see what Salazar Slytherin would do. Just don’t tell my Gryffindor friends!
C) Consult the arcane symbols on my alethiometer toy, even though they couldn’t fix my lactose intolerance.

What do you look for in a partner?
A) Someone with compatible interests who can help me grow as a person and likes to have huge amounts of sex.
B) If they use the word ‘mudblood’ in their Tinder bio I’m not swiping right.
C) Preferably they need to be from another dimension. Or an animal. Or both.

Why are you at King’s Cross station?
A) It’s the easiest way for me to hop onto the Northern Line after work.
B) I need to get my weekly photo taken at Platform 9¾.
C) WH Smiths has knocked two quid off The Secret Commonwealth.

Mostly As: You’re an actual adult with your head on straight. Oddball.

Mostly Bs: Your love for Harry Potter has a chokehold on your personality. You nearly grew out of it but then they made all those films and that stage play you hate.

Mostly Cs: His Dark Materials has taken over your life even though you’ve only seen the first couple of episodes and gave up on the books after chapter one.

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'This is all we f*cking need' confirm Pizza Express and Woking

TROUBLED restaurant chain Pizza Express and dreary town Woking have confirmed Prince Andrew’s admission of visiting them is all they f*cking need.

With Pizza Express in massive debt and Woking being the kind of place that can only dream of being Slough, both stressed an association with Prince Andrew was ‘a kick in already painful nuts’.

Woking resident, Martin Bishop said:  “Personally, I believe him but then again I do live in Woking by choice so feel free to take anything I say with a pinch of salt.”

Pizza Express worker, Nathan Muir added: “He did definitely come in here because I remember the manager saying that under no circumstances where we to rub our balls on his food.”