I'm actually pretty well-known on the football forums

By Wayne Hayes

YOU’D never know it to look at me, but if you know football and you’re online, we’ve probably clashed once or twice. 

Yeah. They call me RedGlory90. And I’m pretty much famous, on the football forums. 

Had a go at Liverpool’s front line? That’ll have been me, tearing you a new one? Tried to claim your team deserves to be recognised as the greatest in England? I was the guy setting you fucking straight. 

Remember “Messi can only be considered ‘great’ because he’s never had to compete with Ian Rush”? That was mine. “Liverpool’s net spend under Klopp is less than Sunderland’s”? That was me too. 

Of course, I can’t always go by the same handle. Sometimes it’s taken, or occasionally I’ve been unfairly banned for taking to task some ManUre idiot who dares to suggest Alex Ferguson’s record can begin to compare to Bob Paisley’s. Certainly I have made threats of physical violence, but they were very clearly a joke and anyone who doesn’t realise that has no sense of humour. 

But I believe the vast majority of fans I interact with respect my cogent arguments, backed up with evidence, and have walked away convinced that I am a reasonable man and that Liverpool are now, and always have been, indisputably the greatest team in Europe. 

And seriously, if FergieFergieFerg cracks one more comment about Gerrard slipping on his arse I’m sending armed police round to his house. Wanker. 

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'I just format Word documents', admits highly-paid office worker

A WELL-PAID worker has admitted his job essentially consists of him just formatting Word documents, it’s been revealed.

Stephen Malley confessed that despite holding the impressive position of Senior Marketing Manager at a financial technology firm, his job actually consists of little more than using Microsoft’s flagship word-processing software to add margins.

He said: “I’m not saying that what I do involves absolutely no skill, because if my team understood how to use Word properly I would have absolutely nothing to do. But what I’m saying is it’s definitely not a skill worth £52,500 per annum.”

Malley also revealed he feels bad for earning more than a junior doctor: “The only way my job could become a life or death situation would be if someone had a condition where seeing the font Comic Sans induced them to have a stroke.

“But my job is safe as long as nobody else finds out how to print multiple copies of a document.”