Man who bangs on about 'living in the present' actually just skint

A MAN who keeps talking about ‘living in the present’ is actually just really fucking skint, it has been confirmed.

Tom Booker will wank on to anyone about how he has found enlightenment and is now fully living in the moment, but is less eager to discuss the fact that he is also living in the spare bedroom of his parents’ semi.

Close friend Nikki Hollis said: “His dad says he has to move out next month and I asked him where he was going to go. Apparently I ‘need to stop tripping about the future’ because ‘the universe will provide’.

“Which is weird because I didn’t know the universe had a spare sofa bed.”

Booker is also emphatically preaching the benefits of minimalism, but those close to him suspect this is the result of his girlfriend kicking him out and giving away all his clothes and computer games when she found out that he was cheating on her.

He explained: “We get so caught up in these societal concepts, like time and money, but they’re meaningless. Can I borrow a tenner?”

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We assumed you knew we were selling your data, says Facebook

FACEBOOK assumed it was common knowledge that they sold users’ personal information to the highest bidder, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed.

Reacting to the latest privacy scandal to hit the social network, Zuckerberg admitted he was surprised at the fuss, because he has been pretty clear all along that the main point of Facebook was to make him rich.

He said: “We have a metric fuck-ton of data about you, your hobbies, your beliefs, and your deepest, darkest secrets, all because you chose of your own free will to hand it over to a private company run by angry nerds.

“How else do you expect me to make money from Facebook? It’s basically this or blackmail.

“That’s actually a great idea. Someone write that down.”