Are you an absolute wanker who worships Jacob Rees-Mogg?

DO YOU think ‘the Mogg’ is going to save us from the forces of EU-vil? Take our test and find out.

How would you get on with Jacob if you met him in person?

A. I suspect he has little interest in anyone outside his political clique.
B. As fellow brave Brexiteers we would have a lot of mutual respect! Jacob would have no problem with me being a dreary lower-middle-class bore and would invite me over for crumpets and a go on his horse.

Rees-Mogg uses the phrase “vassal state” to describe Britain’s relationship with the EU. What do you do?

A. Look it up and realise he is misleading people.
B. Immediately start saying “vassal state” 20 times a day, even in completely the wrong context, eg. “Stop nagging me to tidy the loft. I’m not your vassal state!”

Have you ever wondered if you might have an unhealthy obsession with Rees-Mogg?

A. No. He is a twat.
B. It is pure coincidence I have just bought a three-piece tweed suit and am seriously considering starting to wear a top hat to work.

What do you fantasise about?

A. Becoming rich, shagging Scarlett Johansson/Ryan Gosling, the usual predictable stuff.
B. Jacob is the captain of HMS Victory and I am his loyal manservant. Every day we have exciting battles with dirty Frenchmen then return to England for balls with charming young ladies, although we menfolk privately laugh at their silliness. At night I bring Admiral Rees-Mogg his cocoa and gently stroke his hair as he sleeps.

Mostly As. You do not worship Jacob Rees-Mogg. This will prove depressing because every newspaper and the sodding BBC cannot get enough of him.

Mostly Bs. You are weirdly into Jacob Rees-Mogg. But that’s fine because he’ll definitely be looking out for you when Brexit spectacularly fucks up.

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Woman lies about leaving 'bag for life' in car again

A WOMAN who has never re-used a carrier bag in her entire life has once again told the cashier she must have left them in the car.

Emma Bradford of Warrington then went on to buy five plastic bags at 10p each which, she admitted, would be going in the kitchen bin when she got home and from there straight to landfill.

She said: “I know we’re all meant to be environmental these days, but I can’t be arsed.

“I see all these people with their car boot full of all these bags made of hemp or whatever, schlepping them back and forth, and I think ‘why do you bother?’

“Technically I’m paying between 20p and 80p every time I shop and that’s all going to the tuna-friendly dophins, so I’m actually greener than all the rest of them anyway.

“Some people still smoke. Some people have those massive four-wheel drive cars. I’m not on board with the whole bag for life revolution. It’s just who I am.”

She added: “Oh no, sorry, I’ve left my bag for life in the car again! I’ll have to buy one.”