ARE you one of these ponces who thinks you’re incredibly cultured just because you’ve been to France and Italy a few times? Take our quiz and find out.
A friend serves you a supermarket stonebaked pizza. What do you do?
A) Eat it, it’s nice.
B) Whine on about how inauthentic it is compared to the ones in Naples, as if your friend should have made their own dough and built a huge brick pizza oven in their flat.
What do you consider a good conversation?
A) A lively discussion about culture or politics.
B) Relating a tedious anecdote about visiting a small goat’s cheese producer in Tuscany which does something uninteresting like getting a priest to bless the cheese while your friends try not to nod off.
Do you have strong opinions on French women?
A) Not really.
B) You are convinced they are all incredibly elegant, although you don’t actually speak French so for all you know they could be saying, “Eeh, that curry Pot Noodle’s making me fart like a bastard!”
What was your opinion of Black Panther?
A) Superior blockbuster fun.
B) Unwatchable mass market American pap, unlike Memoires de Printemps Perdues, a French film you recently ‘discovered’ which is mostly a couple pushing a bicycle by a canal while looking glum.
At the weekend you see a group of drunk young women. What is your response?
A) Nothing, they’re just having a boozy night out.
B Tell your friends for the billionth time that the French have a more mature attitude to alcohol, even though you’ve only been drinking in tourist bars and rural cafes where no one goes to get shitfaced anyway.
What did you put in your child’s packed lunch today?
A) Sandwiches, crisps and a chocolate bar.
B) Cold spaghetti in squid ink sauce, some flavourless breadsticks and a couple of smoked wild boar testicles.
When back in Britain, what language do you speak?
A) English, obviously.
B) English but with a smattering of extremely obvious foreign phrases such as ‘Buon appetito!’ as if it makes you some sort of fucking linguist.
Mostly As. Well done! You can appreciate continental culture without assuming everyone wants to hear about the time you ate some sardines.
Mostly Bs. You must learn to stop being a Euro-ponce. Punch yourself in the face whenever you’re tempted to patronisingly tell someone the Italians take food very seriously.