The 15 things you should own to be working class

HOW working class are you? The 15 household items only the working classes own (one point for each):

1. Samurai sword, hung above fireplace in case of return to Bushido law

2. Android smart phone with Greggs Rewards app on homepage

3. Dog named after sportsperson or fictional sportsperson

4. Fantastic array of expensive electronic toys that any middle-class child would kill to play with, ignored for football

5. Digital picture frame showing slideshow of kids, other people’s kids, cars, dog as above, mate’s stag night inc. nudity

6. Books, but not making a big deal about it

7. Televisions in ratio of 1.2 per room

8. Hand-waxed gleaming Toyota Hilux pick-up truck

9. Paved front lawn so Toyota Hilux can be parked and admired directly outside window

10. Oversized Sports Direct mug

11. Both colours of sauce

12. Ashtray

13. Fancy ashtray for guests

14. Dyson kept openly in hall, because there’s no shame in being clean

15. Two adult children, both driving £30,000 cars

And the five things no self-respecting working class family should have (minus one point for each):

Old furniture

Breadmaker

Board game The Settlers of Catan

A record player

Overachieving children desperately trying to earn their parents’ love but never filling the emptiness inside

How did you score?

15-10: You are the workingest working class, with the pride and body type of a bulldog. Truly you are the salt of the earth, to the extent that your mere touch dehydrates things.

10-5: Middle working class, with aspirational tendencies. Your Tony Parsons books and occasional purchase of smoothies could lead you on a dark path to middle England.

5-0: Always sucking up to the bosses and laughing at their golf jokes, you cross picket lines on a weekly basis and nobody will pass you the mic during karaoke.

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Aldi and Waitrose like Batman and the Joker

SWORN adversaries Aldi and Waitrose need each other on some weird level, it has been claimed.

As the irreverent budget supermarket’s sales overtook its middle class enemy Waitrose, experts said that one could not exist without the other.

Retail expert Stephen Malley said: “Waitrose sees itself as a force for justice but is actually really deluded and weird, with no sense of normality.

“Aldi revels in the dark underworld of litter strewn retail parks, chuckling and poking fun at the establishment with its weird cheap sausages.

“The one is the mirror of the other, and despite the bitter ongoing duel they secretly want to kiss.”

Aldi shopper Tom Booker said it deserves to win out because of its surprisingly alright products: “The frozen pizza is fine as long as you keep the flavour locked in by not heating it up. 

“And I’ve worked out that if I have one of their excellent salamis every week for the next six years, the savings will pay for the therapy I’m in about the cheese.”